Vol II, Issue III, Dec 2007

John Rogers’ Poop Attacked by Terrorist Organization

By Son of Torts

A terrorist [Editor’s note: not a real one, but yes we know who you are] was recently seen throwing away issues of the John Rogers’ Poop by several members of the student body. Editor-in-Chief Harry S. Wrinkeltushy said he won’t rest until justice has been served and he makes some other relevant points while standing in front of a “mission accomplished” banner.

“I’m pretty sure it was a terrorist, because all terrorists hate free speech and don’t have senses of humor. These two character flaws are the same possessed by the terrorists who attacked the bridges in Minnesota” says 1L Bobby Howlett.

2L Jeannette Grey remarked, “I don’t think it was a terrorist, but whoever is throwing those papers away is completely justified. It’s [The Poop] not really funny and it’s not appealing. The use of pastel colored paper was a bad choice. Not to mention their poor use of clip art. What do piles of shaving cream have to do with the school? And did you check out how many typos were in the last issue…horrible. They [the writers of The Poop] are ruining the good name of the school. But I think it’s a fantastic thing that they’re giving that old, decrepit man Harry Wrinkeltushy a job, even though I doubt he’s getting paid anything. That’s okay I guess, because sometimes people who have nothing better to do with their time like to feel important.

“If there’s anything that I learned in my Constitutional Law and 1^st Amendment classes,” said Kimmy Montoya 3 ½ L, “is that satirical journalism is in no way free speech and like due process has no place in a law school.”

3L, and hardcore Poop fan, Logan Summers’ response to the news that issues were being thrown away was, “While some people may not like it, the John Rogers’ Poop is a legitimate journalistic endeavor, no matter how many typos were in November’s issue. To take someone’s hard work and trash it, is highly disrespectful. If you don’t like the Poop, you don’t have to read it. Instead, if you find it distasteful or not to your liking you can ignore it, just like how everyone ignores the rule about posting signs around the school.”

“I don’t care about the Poop either way,” stated Ashley Simpson (no, not that Ashley Simpson), “but what I do care about is the Earth. With global warming a proven fact, yes it’s a fact Republican Law Society; we should be conserving our resources. Throwing away paper is just wasteful, I think the ‘terrorist’ should’ve have just left the issues of the Poop alone for those who enjoy it, because after all that’s who it is written for. I guess if she really wanted to dispose of paper, she could at least have been considerate to Mother Nature and recycled.”

TLR to Institute New Motto in Response to Criticism

By Dirk Stronghold

In response to criticism, coming from a multitude of sources, that members of the Tulsa Law Review, while talented crafters of the written word, lack even the most basic social skills required for day to day survival, the TLR has instituted a new and hip organizational motto.

Two spokesmen for the TLR, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that beginning in the spring semester the TLR official motto will be “Tulsa Law Review; We’re Rubber and You’re Glue, Whatever You Say Bounces Off of Me and Sticks to You.” When asked if this motto would only perpetuate the common belief that members of TLR lack social skills rather than remedy such notions, one of the anonymous spokesman placed her hands over her ears, held her breath and began to stomp violently.

Additionally, the other anonymous spokesman placed this reporters nose between his middle and index fingers and proceeded to run around in circles while chanting “I’ve got your nose” over and over again.

While the Tulsa Law Review has consistently ranked in the top 100 Law Reviews nationally, it has been discovered by an unofficial poll of the nations leading law schools that its members rank just between World of Warcraft participants and recently released pedophiles as far as social graces are concerned. TLR members are confident that the new motto will place the nation on notice that this journal is staffed, and participated in, by serious professionals who not only know how to tie their shoes without ever having to say, “The bunny runs around the tree,” but can also refrain from chewing their toenails in public accommodations.

As usual, the infamous Law Review Mafia refused to comment on this investigative report, citing the lackluster groups strongly adhered to policy of giving the cold shoulder to anyone that is African American, overweight, poor or not on the Law Review

WebAdvisor taken over by SkyNet

By Alain Benson

If you were supposed to register at 12:01am on Thursday November 15^th but instead found out that the system had crashed, you were not alone. Several students stayed up needlessly until 3am, desperately trying to get that last spot for Online Legal Research.

Prior to popular opinion, poor planning by whoever coordinates registration did not contribute to the system crash. Instead, government agencies revealed that SkyNet is active and all should prepare for judgment day.

“That makes a whole lot of sense,” says 2L Sammy Blumpkin, “And it certainly explains why I thought I saw a T-800 unit in the men’s bathroom. That or it was just a really buff, naked homeless guy using the facilities to clean up a bit. Either way, if your name is Sarah Connor, I wouldn’t answer your door”

KiKi’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I’m taking my first law school finals and am like totally nervous. I’ve never really studied before. What advice can you give me so I don’t flunk out after my first semester?

-Lackadaisical 1L-

Dear Laxative 1L,

I have two like totally important awesome keys to succeeding in law school.

1) Whatever you do don’t sleep with an upperclassmen (no matter how cute they are) for their outlines. Sure the outlines may be like totally great. But it’s totally not cool to transmit the clap to your long distance boyfriend of 4 years over winter break.

B) You may have heard something called IRAC, you know like the country that attacked the US. Well that’s an acronym for Instantly Report Assumed Cheaters. This means report anyone who you think is cheating during the exam or anyone who you think will do better than you. Totally works for me and is much better than hiding all of the crunchtime books the library provides.

Kiki ^_^

Poop Pieces

· The ABA reports that it was thoroughly impressed with the cleanliness of the school. One member was overheard saying that, “these are the shiniest banisters I’ve seen at any 4^th tiered law school, it’s so pine fresh clean I don’t think I need to review their academic standards”

· Like what we’ve done so far? Here’s what you can expect next semester:

o An expose on students who have left to find jobs

o A give a dime take dime jar to help pay for Sodas

o T-shirt sale with proceeds going to a charity organization supporting free speech

o Rock The (SBA) Vote BBQ party

· The John Rogers’ Poop staff wishes everyone good luck on their finals and hopes that almost everyone makes it back next semester

· As always if you want to submit an article send it to: hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Vol. II, Issue II, November 2007

Law School Giving Away Free Education to Thousands

By Alain Benson

New revelations this week about a change in the study body demographics has a group of students up at arms. Through confidential sources, The Poop has learned that the University Of Tulsa College Of Law is providing an education to thousands of students free of charge. This recent disclosure has many paying students angered at the price of tuition and the “free riding” allowed for a specific group. “I don't understand why some of us have to pay and some don't” said perpetually disinterested 3L Lawrence “Boots” McFadden. “It wouldn't be so insulting but they refuse to learn the language and assimilate into our society” he added. Who are these “freeloading” students? Roaches.

The roaches have moved into the MLIC in recent years and have taken up permanent residence in the basement. They lived a relatively invisible existence until last month when Mark Phillips, a native Oklahoma cockroach who has been at TU Law for 6 years, was offered and ultimately accepted a coveted position with a local firm. Phillips' hiring (while oddly not making national headlines) sent shockwaves through the student body. Reaction to the situation has been mixed. Some students have taken a hard line and others don't mind the competition. “I say we build a wall. That's the only way to keep them out,” said 1L Norv Johnson. “We need to be proactive; this situation isn't going to solve itself.” “I don't mind 'em, they do the jobs the rest of us won't.” said 3L Taylor Roberts. “They pick up the food in the MLIC and who do you think puts paper in the printers?” She added.

While school administration is concerned about the cockroaches, they say the larger issue is the bad elements that often accompany such settlements. Reports of crickets and even mice have surfaced in recent weeks and at least one school official (who asked to remain anonymous) is growing more concerned about making trips to the basement: “It's getting scary down there. The crickets won't shut up and the mice are getting aggressive.” This concern has lead to at least some students and faculty taking action. Johnson is the student representative for a Students and Teachers Against Matriculating Pests or STAMP. He says it is not the cockroaches themselves he minds, it is the precedent that is being set. “I'm not concerned about any species that wants to attend school here and pay tuition. I am concerned that the average joe is paying full tuition and housing while others are moving in and getting the same privileges for free. I mean, they don't even have to buy books, they live in the damn law library.”

SEX

Now that I have your attention, do you think you are humorous? Do you have 5^th grade writing skills? Want a job? More specifically do you want a job that doesn’t pay anything except the satisfaction of making people smile and sticking it to the man? Then send a humorous 300 word article to hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com, and you just may be the Poop’s newest journalist.

Students Take a Crack at Presidential Surprise

By Chad Posner

Prior to Steadman “The Stead Man” Upham’s announcement of Professor Janet Levit’s becoming interim dean of the law school, several students tried to guess what the University’s President had in store for the Law School.

“I personally thought that the grading curve issue was going to be solved,” said 3L Dane Wilson. Others thought that there was going to be an increase of free food available in the Pit at all given hours of the day. 2L Christie Pryde had this suggestion, “Maybe they’re going to allow student groups to order food that isn’t Mazzio’s, Subway, or Arby’s.”

“I was thinking that the announcement was about how administration finally has it’s act together and we’ll actually be able to schedule for next semester’s classes before we are in the middle of finals,” remarked 2L John Drake, “but like the rest of the law school I’m excited and happy for Professor Levit, any other concerns we [the student body] has are just trivial.”

Facebook Group Plans to Save Darfur

By Son of Torts

Administrator for the Facebook group, Friends of the Poop and editor-in-chief for the John Rogers Poop has a refreshing idea on how to raise money for Darfur.

“Here’s the deal. For every 10 people that join ‘Friends of the Poop’, between now and the end of the school year I’ll donate $5 from my social security check to a private fund that will either go to needy people in Darfur or to throw a kick ass rave featuring local band Tech Tonic.”

Recently hired columnist Kiki Kapowski had this to say, “So I totally go wasted at the SBA Halloween party and like totally lost my phone. So if we were friends and I had your phone number join the group and post your number so I can add it to my new iPhone. K Thx Bye!”

Jiminy Crickets

By Kiki Kapowski

So, like, prior to Noah leading the Jews out of Egypt to escape those total meanies the Nazis, God totally laid down some plagues. One of those plagues was a swarm of locust. So is a plague coming to the University of Tulsa? If you don’t think so, just be quiet for a couple of seconds and you’ll totally hear the crickets.

Now research totally shows that the insects were probably Schistocerca Gregaria and like not Gryllidae Gryllinae that we have in our school, but it’s totally the same problem.

What’s going to come next? Death of the first born? Students’ Diet Mountain Dew turning into blood? All of these sure signs that like a higher power isn’t happy or that the school is like seriously lacking in funds to hire an exterminator. Rumor has it that some of your classmates are even planning mass exoduses to better law schools

And where will this leave those who aren’t chosen to go along? Probably suffering through trying to study for finals because you can’t concentrate because of the noise.

However, I’m like totally sure that administration is taking care of this. As soon as the asbestos is removed and as soon as the Pit if finally remodeled as promised and as soon as the carpet in the library is replaced again. . . they’ll get right on taking care of the cricket problem.

Poop Pieces

· The Poop would like to extend apologies to any 1Ls that were offended by the previous. Just know that it’s all in good fun and sometimes law school shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

· In order to get students to use Lexis Nexis over Westlaw, points can now be spent to get: cigarettes, caffeine pills, low quality coffee, old editions of high court case briefs, and pornographic DVDs.

· Administration would like to quash any rumors relating to Robert Butkin’s disappearance and the start of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s 6^th season. Yes, Butkin and Larry David look alike, but everything else is pure coincidence

· There will be a moment of silence held in the Pit on November 20, in remembrance of all students who will drop out, flunk out or be kicked out because of Halo 3.

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-

Editor in Chief

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Chad Posner-Head Journalist

Kiki Kapowksi-Gossip Columnist

Alain Benson-Kidnapped Help

A Note From Harry

Salutations! It's me, former practicing attorney Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. In order to keep up with what is a hopefully a monthly publication the Poop Staff and I need your help.

The Poop is looking for part-time or full time writers. Interested? E-mail me a humorous writing sample approximately 300 words in length or some humorous blurbs.

Rules:
Don't make fun of someone directly
Do use your real email address, if you're "hired" you can come up with your alias then

hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Vol. II, Issue I, October 2007: SPECIAL 1L EDITION

Upperclassmen Unimpressed With 1L Class

By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

JRH – The newest semester of school has started and the University of Tulsa-College of Law welcomed the most academically impressive class ever. However, grades are not everything in law school and the upper classmen want to stress that.

“All I’m looking for,” says 3L Ari Steinenberg, “is a Sweet Sheila. You know, a nice Jewish girl that I can bring home to impress my overbearing Jewish mother. Guess that won’t be happening since the majority of 1L girls that I have seen have blonde hair and blue eyes. Looks like it’s back to jdate.com for me.”

The problem doesn’t seem to be a one gender issue either. 2L Jenna Marshall explains, “I don’t have jungle or yellow fever…nothing like that. I just want more diversity in this school and a boy to go clubbing at Ministry with.”

3L Kylie Rhodes expresses similar disinterest. “I came to school to get my MRS degree. Unfortunately, I have had no luck. Last year’s class was full of poor old men, cocky frat boys, and skinny kids who think it’s cool not to shave and don’t even get me started on the class before that. I’m going to have to go on to get my LL.M. or something to find Mr. Right. A girl can’t live off of daddy forever”

“It’s like they [1Ls] think they are too cool for us,” Remarks 3½L Shane Blakes, “I tried talking some of the girls up at the SBA event a few weeks ago. I’d get them beer, buy them snow cones, which for some reason weren’t free, and I even got my face painted, but none of them wanted to do the Cha Cha Slide with me. All I can say is that if they want outlines they aren’t getting any from me!”

It seems pretty bad when even fellow 1Ls are complaining about their classmates. The Poop tracked down, Eric “Gramps” Palmer, the oldest member of the entering class and listened to his problems. “I’m 47 and recently thrice divorced,” he says, “I thought that this generation of young ladies liked the older men. I’ve been having as much luck as that one hyper and annoying guy I met at orientation. I’ve even scoured the library hours upon hours to find a babe, still no luck. Hopefully I will do well enough this year to transfer. I hear from a reliable source that the Appalachian School of Law is the place to go.”

Administration said that they are aware of the problems with diversity and lack of decent ladies; however, they pointed out that there is nothing they can do at the moment because they can’t just kick people out and let others in. Administration feels strongly that the 1L class will weed itself thin and by next year the transfers who did poorly at other schools and the next batch of 1Ls will meet upper classmen expectations.

Administration is also investigating whether a sort of preference card which the upper classmen could fill out would help solve some of the problems. Research from other law schools seem to be positive, with 87% of the upperclassmen being satisfied with their schools selection of attractive, non-superficial, and clean smelling incoming students.

Former Student Bar Association President and life-time 3L Gil Pilkington had the following to say, “I’ve been here so long that all the entering classes have seemed unimpressive to me. Perhaps people should stop complaining. It’s not like you can live and go to school forever. There’s a whole other world out there to meet people. Or you can just wait until the Halloween party and find a drunken hook-up there.”

Fleeing 1L Trapped in Parking Lot, Officials say all is Well

By the Son Of Torts

Associate assistant to the second interim dean for the week, Big Dawg Bounty Hunter Lewis is still recounting Monday’s close call where one straggling 1L almost flew the coup.

“It was a close one. Probably my toughest chase in my ten years of manning this school,” Lewis said Tuesday while seated in the bushes, keeping an eye on the parking lot.

University reports say that 1L Jeremy Washout left Johnny Parker’s Torts class Monday. Students in the class said he didn’t come back after the break.

“I thought he just fell asleep in the bathroom. I mean that class starts at 9!” said one 1L who did not want to give their name.

Actually, Washout attempted to bolt after his first few weeks in law school. Bounty Hunter Lewis said he was doing his routine patrol of the grounds when he saw Washout running frantically through the parking lot, headed for his car.

“I knew something was up right away,” Lewis said. “He had that scared look on his face. I knew he was a 1L and that I had me a runner.”

Utilizing trapping and capturing techniques he learned in the army, Lewis immediately incapacitated Washout with a stun gun and then tied up his legs and arms. Washout was seen later that day drooling in his Contracts class.

“We have to keep a close eye on these 1Ls,” Lewis said. “At least until the tuition is no longer refundable.”

1Ls Let Loose

By Chad Posner

Classroom 201 had to be cleared out early after a civil procedure class of 1Ls suffered from mass incontinence.

Sources say that the debacle started when Jill Gill responded to the professor’s question about statute of limitations with the infamous answer of “I don’t know”

This resulted in the professor yelling and screaming that the whole class has problems retaining information and subsequently they had a problem retaining their bowels.

“It was like a wave of nastiness,” says 1L Benny Lava. “It started near the front and just worked its way back to the people not paying attention in the back row”.

Official John Rogers Hall Janitor, Brad Hamilton had this to say, “It sure was a mess to clean up. A stinky, stinky mess. But it was nothing a bit of turpentine and my trusty old mop couldn’t take care of. Now, you wanna talk about a mess, you should have seen the place when David Hall [former Oklahoma Governor] went here. The guy pretty much organized a prison riot.”

After checking with the administration office, it seems that Ms. Gill withdrew from the university and was placed on deferment status. Her friends say it has nothing to do with the incontinence incident, but that she really just wants to open up a bar across the street from the football stadium after Ballers [formerly known as Hardwoods] goes out of business…again.

Poop Pieces

· Introduction to Legal Research instructors remain optimistic that this is the year that the incoming class will actually bother reading The Process of Legal Research

· Administration would like to remind all 1Ls to purchase an elevator pass. The fines for being caught using any elevator in John Rogers Hall without the pass have gone up exorbitantly to help pay for the newly constructed campus apartments

· The door to the male bathroom next to the south faculty hall will remain open at all times so that classroom 202 will have something to look at during boring Federal Taxation classes

· Library staff want to make it perfectly clear to that no matter what the 1Ls may have heard, that there is not, nor will there ever be a swimming pool on the bottom level of the MLIC

· The law school received a memo from campus security explaining that selling breakfast burritos around John Rogers Hall is not an appropriate way for 1Ls to supplement their income.

Vol I, Issue II, Finals 2007

Gil Pilkington Released Back Into Wild

By Sashay McGilicuty

Tahlequah — After completing a distinguished career in student politics spanning nearly 3 years, former Student Bar Association President Gil Pilkington was re-released into his native habitat Sunday.

Walking westward into a glorious Oklahoma dusk, the long-time law student, escorted by Martin Hunt, a wildlife conservationist with the U.S. Parks Department, flapped his way to the edge of Tenkiller State Park near Tahlequah. Hunt then let go of Pilkington's hand, and the former SBA President squawked jubilantly for several minutes before waving goodbye to a throng of teary-eyed well-wishers, disappearing into the thick spruce woods.

"This is a bittersweet occasion," fellow SBA Attorney General Matt Dattilo told the crowd at a pre-release ceremony. "We are all going to miss Gil Pilkington. In many ways, he's become part of our TU family. But this is the right thing to do, and we are happy that, after a lifetime of public service, he will finally have the chance to roam the open fields and graze the sunlit plains of our beautiful state, and retake his rightful place in the circle of life."

Speaker of the House Ryan Peterson, a long-time friend of Pilkington's, was also at the ceremony. Peterson explained that this past October, when it became clear that Pilkington was going to graduate from law school, several members of the Student Bar Association were asked by friends of Pilkington to focus less on winning their respective SBA re-election campaigns, and more on lovingly re-familiarizing Pilkington with his instinctive feeding, rutting and migratory habits — habits Pilkington had to abandon when he was first captured and cruelly forced to run for Student Bar Association Delegate in 2004.

"It wasn't easy for us," said Peterson. "And it wasn't fair to him. In captivity, he had become exactly what law school had trained him to be — an efficient, well-respected legislator with keen negotiating instincts. And all along, we conditioned him to pursue the presidency as aggressively as his counterparts in the grasslands would pursue the boll weevil or prairie dog. And then to be betrayed, to have that long-hunted goal taken from him so cruelly by graduation. . . is that fair?" Peterson trailed off, visibly shaken.

Peterson, Hunt and other SBA Members were able to provide a successful two-month transition period for Pilkington, featuring leashed jaunts, an increasingly wheat-based diet and the non-stop bar exam preparation that concluded his time at the College of Law — an exercise that Peterson now admits was designed primarily to "re-adjust the internal biorhythms of Pilkington, who is by nature a largely nocturnal creature."

Though popular with law school faculty and administrators for his frolicsome disposition, Pilkington was widely — and mistakenly — viewed by students as an indigenous creature of Tulsa. Many also expressed distaste for his frequently vicious attacks, both on Dean Butkin's character and assorted large chunks of meat. Peterson attributed this perception to "incompetence" on the part of Pilkington's administration, whom he believes "utterly failed to educate students that Pilkington was only playing when he was being feisty... Gil Pilkington is a very, very friendly type."

Regardless, no trace of viciousness was visible during Sunday's release. Pilkington, 73 (the equivalent of 52), appeared thoughtful and proud as he sat obediently on the platform during the ceremony, at one point amiably lapping the hand of incoming SBA Vice-President Gary Albertson. Asked about his feelings, a wide-eyed Pilkington jumped up and down, then indicated his readiness by adopting a noble, eagle-like pose and looking stoically out at the dense forest.

Pilkington vanished into the woods wearing his favorite charcoal-gray suit and black loafers. Peterson said that he would in all likelihood keep the suit on until he feels sufficiently acclimated to the cold and his thick outer fur comes in.

African American Photoshopped In
by Chad Posner

JRH – In the spirit of celebrating diversity at the University of Tulsa College of Law, an African American was digitally added to the cover of the school's 2008 fall-semester recruitment catalog, school officials announced Monday.

"Here at TU Law, we have a remarkably diverse student body, with literally dozens of non-whites," College of Law director of student affairs Andrea Driessen said. "We thought a picture with at least one non-white happily interacting with whites would be a great way to show off this fact.

Unfortunately, we didn't have any pictures of whites and non-whites actually interacting, so we had to make one up."

Said Dean Robert Butkin: "An unaltered, or 'real,' cover photo would not have adequately captured the glorious rainbow of multiculturalism that is TU Law. We thought it best to take a more illusory, 'less-actual' approach in depicting this school's racial demographic."

The African American, added using Adobe Photoshop, has been identified as Matthew Jamison. A Shreveport, LA, native, Jamison attended TU for one semester in 2005 before transferring to the University of Denver. His face was lifted from a photo of him attending a racial-sensitivity seminar during his 1L orientation and digitally added to the course-catalog cover by graphic designer Brian Tompkins.

"Believe me, this was not an easy task. We combed through hundreds of issues of Dicta and recruitment catalog file photos before we found a picture of an African American," Tompkins said.

In addition to the African American on its cover, the course catalog features several inside photos of African Americans, though only in single-person shots. College of Law authorities stressed that all of those images are actual photos of actual minorities printed on actual paper.

"Each African American you see in this catalog was, in fact, photographed at one point," Arbus said. "This booklet is our way of letting people know the importance of including African Americans in official school publications. That's the TU College of Law promise."

"We have nothing against African Americans at this school, as evidenced by our dedication to adding them to images of campus life," Arbus said. "That shows just how serious we are about our commitment to diversity."

The College of Law’s use of Photoshop has proven so successful, it is quickly becoming a model for other law schools across the nation seeking to improve their schools' veneer of diversity.

"Photoshop opens up an exciting new realm of possibilities for America's institutions of higher learning," University of Oklahoma College of Law Dean Karl Watson said. "Here at OU, for example, we plan to Photoshop up to 10 percent more Latinos into recruitment brochures. If we can get funding, we may also Photoshop handicap-accessible ramps onto exterior shots of campus buildings."

Prospective Law Student Had Most Fun Getting Drunk At TU

By Stuart Littlejeans

JRH—After taking a week off from class to evaluate prospective law schools, Oklahoma State University senior Angela Ross said Monday that, though all the campuses she visited had their strong points, she enjoyed getting drunk at the University of Tulsa College of Law the most.

"The students there seemed very serious about [the drinking game] quarters, which is more than I can say for the people at OCU," said Ross, adding that she witnessed TU students engaging in such innovative games as keg ball, find the keg, and dark doubles. "The thing I like most about the TU law school is that if there isn't a drinking game that interests you, the supportive environment allows you to create your own."

Though Ross was accepted at the University of Oklahoma, it ranks near the bottom of her list, since fewer than two-thirds of the law students she polled there had ever gone to a movie totally plastered.

Poop Pieces

• ·The Christian Legal Society is bringing suit against the J. Reuben Clark Society for copyright infringement. Jewish Law Student Association remains silent.
• ·The Federalist Society and the Republican Society continue to debate on why Fox News should be continuously shown in the pit and what news broadcaster is the best.
• Jim Dickerson, 2L, was involved in a horrible eggplant accident Tuesday. After trying to harness a new energy source from the vegetable, he set off a small explosion in his apartment. Luckily he escaped with a minor concussion and this piece of information. “Eggplants are actually berries, a fruit, not a vegetable.
• To maintain the high school like atmosphere at John Rogers Hall, the SBA has implemented the following:
  
  
• School bells will ring at 8:30am to signal the beginning of each school day
• The bells will also ring every hour and fifteen minutes on MWF and every hour and fifty minutes TTh to designate when classes end
• The SBA will designate hall monitors that can issue tardy slips
• Lunch periods will be assigned based upon number of completed hours
• 1Ls will be given recess time and a cot to nap on
• 3 hours of Gym will now be required to graduate
• Friday after-school detention will be given to students who don’t respect the MLIC’s ID checking policy
• Harry Campbell Black will be signing leather bound copies of Black’s Law Dictionary in the pit next on May 14th. Books will cost $95. Mr. Black will not be answering questions or providing definitions.
• Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. and the rest of the Poop staff hope everyone H.A.G.S.

Hello...is this thing on? They told me I have to type something here

Salutations! It's me, former practicing attorney Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. Just wanted everyone to know that the Poop is now online. This way when prints of the John Rogers Poop are all taken by your fellow classmates or they suddenly disappear (say in a waste basket or underneath 4 month old copies of Dicta) you can read all the poop that went down in the latest issue, here, online...or so they tell me. This internet thing is new to me. I preferred the good old days of dictaphones, typewriters, and mimeographs.

If you would take a minute from pointing your nose up in the air as a sign of superiority you will see that the articles from John Rogers Poop, Vol. I, Issue I, April 2007 are posted below.

Here is a brief letter from the editor:

Dear Readers:

Here's a little about us;

We attend a small, private, exceptionally expensive, fourth-tier law school.
We have no delusions of grandeur.
We roam the same halls that you do.
We attend the same classes, read the same cases, take the same exams, and search in vain each morning for a parking spot (screw you United Way contributor!) just like you.
We get bored.
We like to make smart-alecky jokes about professors, members of the administration and staff.
We mean no disrespect. Unless of course disrespect gets more laughs.
We steal some of our ideas from funnier, more original people.
We think nobody reads Dicta
We think that sometimes, law students, law professors, and law school administration take themselves too seriously.
We think that the TU College of Law is a lot like a small town high school.
We think that justifies making fun of it.
We love it here though.
We wouldn't want to be anywhere else-unless of course that transfer request to that first-tier school goes through.
We think you should consider it an honor if your name appears in a future edition.
We hope you laugh at all this, and take it with a grain of salt.
We think satire is an important part of free speech.

So there you have it. A letter from the editor. We want to know what you think so please email us at johnrogerspoop@gmail.com

You can also email me at hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com but not after the sun sets. I'm usually asleep by then, unless my neighbor's unruly kids are listening to that dang rock and roll again. I am up fairly early though so that I get the Braums senior citizen breakfast special.

Forever held in contempt,

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

First Draft of Paper Inadventently Becomes Final Draft

By Sashey McGilicuty

MLIC - The first draft of a Legal Reasoning, Analysis, and Writing Trail Brief by University of Tulsa College of Law 1L Mindy Blain ultimately became the final draft, Blain reported Monday.

"I was gonna keep working on it and add a bunch of stuff about how the guy who wrote [The US Constitution] was affected by a lot of the stuff going around him," she said. "But then I was like, fuck it." Blain said she spent the time that would have been devoted to a revision watching Grey's Anatomy in her apartment.

Poop Pieces
By: Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq

• In an unpopular resolution, the SBA has declared that sodas will now cost $1.11. The change machine will now exclusively provide nickels.

• Dean Robert Butkin announced Monday that the locally donated statue of Lady Justice will be replaced with a paper-maché bust of beloved Legal Research Professor Ducey reading the latest ALR advance sheets.

• Due to the little known asbestos problem in John Rogers Hall, Dean Butkin has cleared it with the City of Tulsa to hold all upper division electives inside the historic Camelot Hotel.
  

• TU Information Technology Officer, Shane Blackstock, has refused to work on any computers - expect those running Windows ’98 - until he is granted title of "Official Library Staff Member" and receives an office within the MLIC.

• For students interested in an increased understanding of Tort law, Professor Marguerite Chapman will hold a lecture Tuesday. She plans to speak on the subjects of Amazon.com, the history of Connect Four, Endometriosis, Tesla coils, and snowmobiles. The lecture is scheduled from 1:00 to 1:03 pm in room 202.
  

1L Wonders What Happend to Free Lunch

By The Son of Torts

JRH-He had it down to an art form. It was 11:59 a.m. and 1L Jim Dickerson's stomach was just about to tell him that it was time to eat. No money and no money left on the TU Gold Card was no problem for Dickerson who had planned this day (Tuesday)all around the fact that there was a Federation of Future Right-Wing lawyers meeting in room 204

"Score me up some pizza," Dickerson said to himself as he trolled around the steps outside of room 2004.

"Oh, I'm not a member or anything," Dickerson said while looking around the corner to find out if he was getting Mazzio's or Papa Johns for lunch. "I've got nothing against those Republican. I mean not everyone can go out and have fun. Someone's got to run the churches and prisons. This law thing's just a phase for me. I'm going to make my mark in finding a new energy source from egg plants."

Ten minutes later, Dickerson explained that he doesn't actually go to the meetings; he just waits outside for some free pizza.

"There's typically a few cheese pizzas left over. No one likes those," Dickerson commented

Dickerson waited and waited. But something went wrong.

"There was no friggin' pizza. I mean, I wait out there till 1:30 and totally missed my Con Law Class. I'm not sure how they got that pizza out of there, I had the door staked, totally."

Dickerson said he has put off all studying finals to get to the bottom of the pizza fiasco.

"I will not rest until I find out what happened to those pizzas," Dickerson said. "I mean if they have some secret way of getting pizza out of those rooms, we may never eat free again"

Professor's Leave Of Absence Shrouded In Legend

By Richard Posner’s Evil Twin Brother Chad

JRH – Students at The University of Tulsa College of Law have been feverishly speculating about the true circumstances surrounding Contracts, Sales, and Secured Transactions Professor Gregory Duhl’s unannounced second-semester leave of absence — now over four months — raising the mysterious disappearance well into the status of legend among the student body at large.

“I heard he was a pot addict, and he went mental, and they took him away to a mental institution,” said John Heyduck, 1L, a student of Duhl’s, adding that he remembered noticing a growing impatience in Professor Duhl in the weeks before Christmas break. “Someone told me that the first night he was there, they shocked his brain. Now he can’t remember anything about the Uniform Commercial Code anymore.”

Many in the semi-popular professor’s section 3 Contracts class say they remain suspicious of Dean Robert Butkin’s relative silence on the matter, and were unsatisfied by Dean Catherine Cullem’s ambiguously worded letter explaining that Professor Duhl was out on “personal matters,” and would “return soon.”

“Professor Duhl is dead,” said Joel Brown, 2L.

A number of other students, such as 3L Julie Krivus, seemed certain that the “Get Well Soon” card that was passed around for their Professor on Monday was meant to cover up a horrific boating accident in which the 36-year-old had his face “burned all the way off.” “They had to take him to France to get a new face, but something went wrong and now he has to wear an iron mask,” Krivus said.

“Or maybe Professor Duhl faked his death because he was in trouble with the mob, and then went on a spiritual quest to India,” she added.

Other students’ theories as to Professor Duhl’s whereabouts include training for the 2008 Olympics in the 100-meter butterfly, robbing banks, fighting in and winning a Kumite death-match in Hong Kong, opening a restaurant in Texas, flying a hot-air balloon around the world to help poor people, searching for his real parents, having acid thrown on him by Torts professor Marguerite Chapman, being captured by the CIA as a terrorist operative, and working for the CIA to help catch terrorist operatives.

“He had an affair with that LLM slut Heather Winston, and the janitor caught him,” 3L Lauren Eckhard said. “But then she got pregnant with his baby, and that’s why she had to move away last semester.”

One student, who asked not to be named, said that he recently listened in on a conversation through the faculty lounge door in which faculty members spoke specifically about Professor Duhl’s location. Though the student claimed specifics were difficult to make out, he heard nothing to dispel the theory that Professor Duhl was in fact a matador recovering from wounds he sustained in his last bullfight in Madrid.

“Remember how he had that limp right before break?” the student said.

1L Vince Shelky, who was recently given an Honor Code Violation reprimand for attempting to break into Professor Duhl’s office said he was sure there would be “tons of clues” regarding Professor Duhl’s disappearance in his extensive lesson plans and personal papers.

“Why would the office door be locked in the first place if there wasn’t something really important in there?” Shelky said. “But the point is, basically, he was living a double life. Law professor by day, alien by night.”

Despite the growing clamor and the widening scope of possible scenarios to explain Professor Duhl’s absence, not everyone is convinced that the teacher ever actually went missing to begin with.

“I saw Professor Duhl coming out of McDonald’s yesterday,” said 2L Harry Dale, whose testimony was dismissed by a number of students aware of his reputation as a burnout. “I didn’t recognize him at first — he was wearing a trench coat and a hat, but I could tell it was him. When I tried to get a closer look, he disappeared.”

Curiosity was further piqued last Friday when Professor Duhl’s wife, Michelle, appeared at the school to pick up her husband’s mail, and told the receptionist that he would be returning within a week.

“I wouldn’t listen to his wife,” Amanda Bell, 1L, said. “She’s the one who poisoned him anyway.”