Vol. III, Issue I, September 2008

TU Law Diversity Problems Solved by 1L

By Alain Benson

As an upper middle class white male I can fully appreciate the effects of gentrification. I get to live in an exciting urban setting while enjoying my gourmet coffee without the risk of being harassed by minorities. But gentrification, like everything, is good in moderation.

If you haven’t already noticed, TU Law is lacking in the diversity department, what with our 1 black guy, 2 Asians, and a sprinkle of Jew. I don’t want to bring up any Gratz v. Bollinger or Grutter v. Bollinger discussions [Thanks Prof. Entzeroth!], but what I’m really trying to say is that I’m sick and tired of looking at all of your WASPy faces!

Luckily for us The College of Law fully recognizes and appreciates the problem and enrolled 1L, Tatsuya Steinenbaum, to quiet all concerns of TU being 98% cracker. I had the fortunate opportunity to sit down with Tatsuya to discuss his influential role as a member of the student body.

AB: So Tatsuyo, tell us why Admissions considered you such a qualified candidate.

TS: Well, besides double majoring in African-American and Women Studies, I think it’s more of my unique history that I was selected to practically fill all possible diversity gaps within the school’s population.

AB: Unique? How So?

TS: I’m Jewish Japanese-American. My father went to Japan in the early 70s to secure some new business opportunities and came down with a serious case of yellow fever. He met my mom, an aspiring business women who wanted to bring underwear vending machines to the global market. It was love at first sight. 2 months after they were married I was born.

I raised in west Philadelphia, where I spent most of my time at the school’s playground.

One day I was playing some basketball, when these neighborhood kids started making some trouble.

AB: Sounds like they were up to no good.

TS: Probably not. Anyways, I ended up getting into one little fight; this scared my mom a bit, she being the typical overbearing Asian Jewish mother, and sent me to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air.

AB: That sounds awfully familiar for some reason.

TS: All minorities suffer similar life catastrophes. So here I was living outside of Compton and I decided to try and start a hip-hop career with the stage name of Chop Jewy. It never really worked out but I did develop a love for African-American culture, hence my undergraduate major from ULA…go Peacocks!

AB: Is there anything else about you that will help the diversity crisis?

TS: Well…I am bi-sexual. We could go someplace and celebrate some diversity if you want to.

AB: You digust me

TS: You can pitch and I’ll catch.

AB: My place or yours?

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkletushy, Esq – Editor in Chief

Alain Benson-Staff reporter

Chad Posner-Article Editor

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Dirk Stronghold-Headlines

Nino Brown-Bitch canceller

An Open Letter to Student Organizations

By Son of Torts

Dear Student Organizations,

At the time I’m writing this, it’s been of month of school. I think everyone is doing a wonderful job trying to acquire memberships and raise awareness for whatever causes you support.

But there is a problem. I’m already sick of Mazzio’s Pizza. It’s soggy, greasy, and always cold. Plus it never really hits the spot. I just kind of eat it because it’s there and I don’t have the money to buy lunch from the ACAC everyday.

I calculated meals provided by student organizations in my budget so I could request a proper amount for this semester's student loans.

I want to request a modest proposal, get some variety in your food and while I won’t actually join your group, I will promise to pay attention during the meetings.

Also what’s with not providing us with drinks? Great pizza! It’s salty. How about some soda or some beer to help wash it down? With soda prices up another 15 cents, I can no longer afford those either.

I’m not looking for handouts, just some support and understanding that my life and your food choices need a little variety.

And if you ever order those wraps from the school again, I swear I will track you down and drop kick you in the face.

Sincerely,

Son of Torts

P.S. I do like Papa Johns and Arby’s would be nice once in a while

A Harry Situation

By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq

I’ll skip all the false cheerful greetings because I simply don’t have the energy.

I realized how old I was this summer when I just no longer took the effort to complain about how cold movie theatres are or to make rude comments to parents who think it’s appropriate to bring their crying children into my favorite restaurant.

I don’t think I’m dying, but I do think I’m ready to go into old reclusive hermit mode, maybe start collecting old newspapers and decorating my trees with random glass ornaments.

Along with me not having the energy to yell at kids on my lawn, some of our staff writers are exhausted by an increasing course load or preoccupied with actually being responsible students.

Shit! Dirk decided to get a job and Alain just found love. So I no longer expect any gret contributions from them.

So, I turn to you adamant readers (and fans) of the John Rogers’ Poop, send me some goddamn submissions and help keep the dream alive.

Here’s my e-mail address:

hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

We’re also accepting applications for new staff members and the right individuals to carry the torch once we are gone.

Poop Pieces

· Some of you may have noticed that Ms. Kapowski is no longer with us. After a successful first year she managed to transfer to a 1^st tier law school. We wish her the best and hope she again successfully manages to sleep her way to the tope.

· With the absurd increase in soda price, our plans to have a take a dime leave a dime cup have been nixed. I’m sure that our new 1L delegates will take this issue seriously and will listen to our requests to again propose that soda prices should be lowered.

· Note to all 1Ls if you haven’t figured it out, this is a satirical piece of work. If you want to catch up check out previous articles at:
johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com

· The Phantom Chewer still remains at large. Administration is offering a reward for any information that will lead to his capture.

· Friday soccer is and remains cooler than Friday volleyball

· Remember Tuesday is Rosh Hashanah and if you’re Jewish you can skip classes with no ill repercussions

Vol. II, Issue VI, April 2008

History of the John Rogers’ Poop, Part I

Well much to our amazement and to others’ dismay we’ve been more or less continuously and successfully running for a year. So to celebrate this prodigious occasion and to answer several of your e-mail questions, we proudly present to you the history of the Tulsa’s College of Law more popular newspaper.

It all started in the fall semester of 2006. A small group of students were hanging around the table in the pit and were eagerly participating in the sharing of law school gossip. One such fellow commented on Dicta’s erratic printing schedule at the time, along with that publication’s inability to provide interesting articles. This wise gentleman came up with the idea of creating a fake gossip newsletter akin to The Onion. His idea for the first headline would be the announcement of his pregnancy and examining the allegations of which faculty member was the other parent.

What would be the name of this journalistic endeavor? The John Rogers’ Poop. The group around the table was shocked. Not at the idea of a guy being pregnant, but that such a scatological name was surely inappropriate. But the young future lawyer ensured that no fecal implications were intended. In fact, according to the Random House Unabridged Diction, “poop” is a noun that means a form of relevant information, esp. a candid or pertinent factual report; or the low-down of a situation.

With the cog wheels of idea turning in the heads of the participating individuals, the next step was to fine a qualified staff to run such a publication.

The first such hire was The Honorable Richard Posner’s evil brother, Chad. Chad was initially the editor for the first two issues of “The Poop”, but because of a busy schedule he eventually removed himself of the position. Fortunately he decided to stay on as a featured writer, giving his expert opinion on the disappearance of a contracts professor and the mass incontinence incident of 2007’s 1L class.

The Son of Torts was the next individual to take a staff position. With previous journalism experience, the Son of Torts was a qualified investigative journalist in the likes of I.M. “Fletch” Fletcher. His uncanny ability to report on what’s important to the student body, like lack of free lunches, is truly a great asset to the John Rogers Poop.

The final initial staff member is none other than Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. Several students were aware of his previous residence at the bus station located on Denver Ave. If a student needed help citing for an assignment or had to get a black market outline, he was the go to guy. Harry, while disbarred from 5 states (and previously admitted to practice in 3), was a cesspool of legal knowledge and a strongly desired member of the John Rogers’ Poop team. Initially covering small tidbits of local gossip, he stepped up to the plate early in the 2007 Fall Semester to take over Editor-In-Chief duties.

The 2007/2008 school year has brought several other important staff additions.

There is Alain Benson, who’s countless hours spent in the bottom level of the MLIC, gives him the opportunity to report on library specific events.

Dirk Stronghold, while simultaneously writing on all three legal journals, thankfully sets aside time to provide up-to-date information on the members of the law school’s seemingly upper echelon.

Then there’s Kiki Kapowski. While no one intended her to actually being a continuous contributor, her “Kolumn” provides important reader/writer interaction; as well as, the catty attitude found in undergraduate sex advice columns.

As the school year moves forward and the next one slowly approaches. We encourage you to continue to enjoy the John Rogers’ Poop, provide us with your feed back, and follow Ima T. Messce’s example by being a helpful contributor that makes “The Poop” a rewarding experience for all involved…staff and readers alike.

Wrinkeltushy Announces Bid for SBA Presidency

By: Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

I, Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq., hereby announce my intention to run for the Student Bar Association President. Sure I may be a bit old and starting to go senile, but I’m the only qualified candidate that the University of Tulsa-College of Law will have during this year’s election.

Do I have experience? Of course I do, I’m old. I’m full of lifetime experiences, many which I claimed for credits which went towards my Ph.D. in Women’s Spirituality that I received from Belford University.

Some of these lifetime experiences have crossed into the political spectrum. In 5^th grade, my class voted me to be the lucky and responsible individual to lead them to the cafeteria during lunch time. I held this honorable position for a whole 2 weeks until a recall election was held. Apparently I got easily distracted and lead the class astray a few too many times, but I think they enjoyed their lunches out in the play yard.

I’ve had numerous unsuccessful runs for many municipal and school board elections. Although I did get a seat on a county’s board, but later found out that the position was dissolved when I came back from a vacation.

There is also the time I was successfully voted out of being the block captain for my neighborhood. I correctly believed that allowing people to paint their doors red was unconscionable, distracting, and contributing to the delinquency of the neighborhood’s youth.

What will I provide the student body as their newly elected Commander-In-Chief? The following is a brief list of my agenda:

· Lower the cost of sodas. The student body needs it’s caffeine fix and sometimes it’s really inconvenient to constantly ask your friends if they can spare a dime.

· Place the “Ask a Dean” box in a location where it might actually be utilized

· Getting the word out about Ruckus, the free online music service

· Limit the amount of times a student association can order Mazzio’s for their meetings, especially when Arby’s is just down the road.

· Increase the number of daily emails everybody receives, regardless if such information is irrelevant to their law class.

· Move the pictures of notable past professors around, because a little bit of change and variety can be stimulating.

· Make sure that class schedules for registering for upcoming semesters are released earlier so that students can start studying for finals without the additional stress of planning their futures. Such information would also be beneficial so that students could inform their potential employers about their schedules if they are intending to take summer classes

· Putting a stop to the concern that the Boesche Legal Clinic is undergoing steps to secede from the University

· Allocating funds to get two-ply toilet paper in the bathrooms

· Continuing the fight for a respectable grade curve

· Making Tom Scott’s “Today” the College of Law’s official song, because I believe we should live for today and not worry too much about our future.

Remember to vote on April 9^th or 10^th.

Wrinkeltushy ‘08

We’re Sorry, So Sorry

We would like to apologize, even though Yom Kippur is a ways off.

We’re sorry to the individuals who did not find last month’s issue funny. We appreciate the criticism, even if it is writing “NOT FUNNY” on an issue and taping it to a wall. We honestly appreciate such actions because it shows us that 1) people are actually reading “The Poop” and 2) it’s a perfect example of exercising one’s first amendment rights, something we strongly encourage and is the main driving force for those of us who write for “The Poop”

We would also like to apologize to those who may have been offended or didn’t get a chance to be offended by Ima T. Messce’s article on the tort of Intentional Infliction of Sexual Distress. We would like to point out that our “manifesto” is located on our first issue, which can be found on our blog:

johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com

Also, if you wanted to read the back half of last month’s issue but couldn’t due to the printing error (we simply don’t have the same resources as Dicta), that can also be found on the blog along with all previous issues.

As always, we appreciate any feedback or submission. Both can be sent to hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Be sure to join our facebook group “Friends of the Poop” to show your appreciation.

The Staff of the John Rogers’ Poop hopes that everyone has a great summer (H.A.G.S. !!!!!) and makes it back next year.

And of course…good luck on finals

Vol II, Issue V, March 2008

Phantom Chewer Still at Large
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

After two scathing e-mails the Phantom Chewer has yet to be caught. Someone or something refuses to stop leaving plugs of chewing tobacco neatly and carefully hidden on the chairs located in various rooms of John Rogers Hall.

Students who are worried about this phantom presence in the law school should take comfort in the recent hiring of Butch “Sundance Kid” Cassidy, P.I. Butch’s experience stems from his constant writing to the editors of Soldier of Fortune about his exploits and his degree in criminal justice he bought from Trinity Southern University. He also told The Poop that he learned his tracking skills by doing lots of peyote and losing money that’s supposed to pay for child support at the Osage Million Dollar Elm Casino.

“Most of my assignments involve me videotaping and watching adulterous affairs or tracking down lost husbands at China Moon,” says Butch, “so I was really shocked and quite excited to be hired by the University of Tulsa to track down this perp”

With several leads already being developed, Butch is fairly certain that the Phantom Chewer is probably responsible for other ‘crimes’ around the University.

Butch remarks, “There was the problem of the mystery Taoist, who desecrated the bathrooms. And then there was the delinquent that refused to post flyers on the designated billboards. Signs even point to him [the Phantom Chewer] being responsible for the missing donated cell phones last year.”

As always, students are polarized on the issue. Some feel that hiring Butch is a waste of University resources.

“I think it would be a lot more efficient if Virginia just sent out more e-mails degrading the disgusting habits of the student body,” remarks 2L, Julie Cicada.

1L, Aaron Summerset had this to say, “It’s about time someone took action. And I’m glad the school finally put some effort into stopping this menace.” Prime suspect and double dipper title champion, Travis “Super” Powers, was provided an opportunity to voice his concerns regarding the matter.

“First off, they aren’t real plugs of tobacco. From what I’ve seen, the guy’s leaving around ‘bandit bags’…which are for vaginas. Seriously, those things were invented so trailer-park women could join their husbands in one of their favorite past times.”

“Secondly, Yes! I do enjoy a good dipsky every hour or two. But I also wasn’t raised in a fucking barn and can walk the ten feet to a trash can to dispose of my wad of dip and the used coke bottle I use to store my spittle. Common courtesy goes a long way.”

“So now that everything is cleared up. Please stop confronting me in the halls and accusing me of being the douche bag who is either guilty about his habit or just too lazy to clean up after himself.”

Kiki’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I didn’t know who to turn to, but I recently overheard some fellow law students talking about asbestos located within John Rogers Hall. Is this true? If so is it dangerous?
-Perturbed Pupil-

Dear Protruding Pupae,

While I totally cannot like confirm or deny the claims of our peers, I did do some totally awesome internet research after I got done shopping on Zappos.com. After all, Spring is almost here and I need some new sandals.

Anyways here is like what I found; supposed symptoms and warning signs of asbestos poisoning.

You should probably see a doctor if you’ve been exposed to asbestos and have:
Shortness of breath
Chronic/Persistent Cough
Chest pains
Persistent 2.5 GPA
Difficulty reading for class
Swelling
Weight loss
Nausea
Obstructed Bowels
Anemia
Fever and/or night sweats

Hope this eases your paranoid mind.
Kiki ^_^


New Tort Investigated
By Ima T. Messce

You know about the tort of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, but what about Intentional Infliction of Sexual Distress (from the Latin Kokus Teasius). It is almost exclusively committed by females against males simply as a result of our societal norms.

The prima facie elements to establish this tort are:
1. Intent to cause severe sexual distress
2. Conduct must be extreme and outrageous, beyond all bounds of human decency
3. There must be a causal connection between the wrongful conduct and the sexual distress
4. The sexual distress must be severe

Applying the law to the facts of life as a 1L, we see that female 1Ls clearly provoke the sexual distress by their look, manner of dress, heavenly scent, perfect makeup, and generally flirtatious demeanor, thus establishing the first two elements. The causal connection between this behavior and the male sexual distress is made clear by increased incidences of male 1Ls lost in sexual fantasies involving 2 or more female classmates when called on, text messaging females during class trying to maybe “get some” later, drooling on laptop keyboards, staring at female 1L photos in FaceBook, and joining study groups and organizations based on the relative “hotness” of the girls rather than intellectual or professional compatibility. The severity of the stress and frustration is also evident by various physical manifestations and male efforts to avert same. More importantly ladies, in inflicting this IISD on males and not helping them past it, it has the same negative effect on YOU!

WAKE UP PEOPLE! We’re mature, consenting adult law students! It IS however, incumbent upon the ladies as the tortfeasors to eliminate this problem. Ladies - Clip this coupon and make copies; pass it to guys until you find a study partner(s). Let’s eliminate the distraction of IISD so we can better focus on our study of law!


To: ______________________
From: ____________________

How about an IISD study group with me?
q YES! E-mail me and let’s set it up!
E-mail: ___________________________

q I would love to, thank you, BUT, I am either already in an IISD study group, OR, I have some other “issues” that prevent me from joining you right now (damnit).

Vol II, Issue IV, February 2008

College of Law Institutes Nanny Policy
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

Even though the population of the student body are older than 18 and probably don’t live at home anymore, they are in dire need of help. This is why administration has finally enacted the SABANNP, Students Are Babies and Need Nannies Policy.

“Such policies have been successful at other schools, mainly preschools, but we can’t see why it wouldn’t be a huge hit here at the law school,” ensured administration.

Sure we all have experiences with nannies. For those of who grew up in the 80s, you may remember the overbearing presence of the giant legs of Nanny from The Muppet Babies. Or some may recall the annoyingly hysterics of Fran Drescher. Then there’s the best nanny ever, Tony Danza’s Tony Micelli from Who’s The Boss. All these examples are great, but in no way are an accurate representation of what to expect. Do you really think TU has the funds to hire Tony Danza as a nanny?

The Poop was told that the Nanny Policy will help students with their everyday-to-day tasks outside of law school.

Students will be given a set bed time, so that there won’t be any grumpy grumpykins in the 8:30 am classes. And if some students sleep in, nannies will call them.

Nannies will also be sure to send out e-mails to the student body reminding them of good personal hygiene, like taking daily showers and how to properly brush their teeth.

There will be health reminders as well, pointing out the dangers of chewing tobacco, unprotected sex, binge drinking at Brookside Bar, and the related health problems associated with smoking.

The Nanny policy would also hiring a crossing guard for the cross walk to the main entrance of John Rogers Hall. This is to ensure the safety of law students and to stop the TU shuttles and speeding engineering students from ignoring individuals attempting to walk across to the parking lot.

Students expressed concerns regarding the policy. “I’m 22 years old,” said Jamie Lipps, 1L, “I don’t need someone calling me to wake me up before I go to class. I already have my Mom in Florida do that for me. She also sets up my study schedule and reviews my assignments.”

“Who the hell do they think they are to tell me I can’t smoke or have a nice fat dipsky while I sit in my advance torts class,” exclaimed 3L, Timothy Thomas. “And I’m as sure as hell not going to start having protected sex. Condoms take away all the feeling and therefore all the fun. It’s not like I can afford them anyways since the tuition increase.”

Other students seem to welcome the policy. “This is fantastic. Not only did I have the hots for Fran Drescher, but I consider myself quite lazy,” remarked 2L Samuel Supineness. “The less work I have to do. I hear that they’ll wipe my ass after I make……how’s that for scatological humor?
2L Suspended For Improper Method of Selling Books
By Son of Torts

2L Johnathan Applebaum was suspended for one week Monday after officials learned that the second year law student sold a Constitutional Law Supplement to a 1L for $15.

“If he wants to sell his old supplements he can do that,” said Assistant Dean of Cranky Student Affairs Amanda Johnson. “However we have a system for selling books at this school, and like the infinite notices about group meetings, it should be done through the e-mail system.”

“The schools IT department has spent countless hours to implement the school’s e-mail and internet services so that students would all get a chance to buy old books and supplements,” Johnson explained.

“What about that student sitting in his apartment? Doesn’t he deserve a chance to get a great deal on some old supplements and not just the student sitting in the Pit? That is who I am thinking of.”

In response to the unauthorized sale Johnson informed the Poop that a detailed email, in response to the unauthorized sale, on how to sell old books is currently being worked on and will be coming to your TU address within the week.

Missing Student Found, Surprisingly Not Raped
By Chad Posner

In February of 2007, Rebecca Sloven disappeared early on into her 4th semester of law school. Through keen investigative journalism skills that would make even Fletch blush, the Poop was able to track her down.


“First off, I want to say that I wasn’t kidnapped and/or raped”, explains Rebecca. “What happened was I was feeling down after finally receiving my Crim Pro grade and having an internal debate on whether I should stay in law school or not. To take my mind off of things I went to Starbucks to get my daily Grande Soy Caramel Macchiato”

“It was then that my regular barista commented on how they were hiring. I thought there is no way I could work there, I didn’t have the skills. But as soon as she started going into the employee benefits I was hooked and immediately filled out an application and turned in my resume along with a cover letter. The next day I showed up for work and I have been happy ever since.”

“At first I thought it was going to be a part time thing, you know the 15 hours allowed by the school. But it was just so fun that I stopped going to class.”

“Do I miss law school? Not really, although Thursdays at McNellie’s were always fun. At Starbucks I don’t have to deal with the Socratic Method or have to needlessly brief seemingly irrelevant cases. Plus like I said, the benefits are great. I’m making enough to afford a penthouse in downtown Tulsa, two dogs, a brand new Prius, a Nintendo Wii, and paying my boyfriends medical school loans. Within the next month I should have a management position where I get stock options. I also really really really really really enjoy the free pound of coffee employees receive every month.”

Editor’s note: TU College of Law has currently filed a suit against Rebecca, claiming damages for the loss of expected tuition for her last year of law school.


KiKi’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,
Valentines Day is quickly approaching. How do I get the girl (whom I’m majorly crushin’ on) that sits two rows in front of me to notice me? Also what are some romantic places to have a first date?
-Bashful Barrister-

Dear Sheepish Solicitor,
Well you could start leaving cutesy little love letters in her seat. Or you could like totally decorate her study carrel. But like the best solution is like to stop being such a pussy and next time you are at a bar together totally give her a drunken confession of your tubular love.

As for a romantic first date? I think an appetizer course at Coney Islander would totally be sweet and then onto Tei Kei’s for a romantic dinner, followed by a post dinner drink at Another Round.

After that a beer pong at Dirty’s followed by a trip to Jewell on Brookside where he could watch me dance with other guys.

Hopefully he’d take me to Arby's for a 5 for $5.95 before we went back to his place.
Kiki ^_^

Poop Pieces
· Congratulations to Michael Whelan for being the person to finally
· have the chutzpah to start a Democratic Law Society at this school
· If you see the newest Westlaw rep around campus, be sure to ask for the free 150 Westlaw points.
· Whoever made the sexually suggestive snowmen outside of the MLIC, please see the front desk to retrieve your carrots, scarf, and coal.


What the staff did over break?

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-
Divorced…again

Son of torts- survived 4 days in the Alaskan wilderness

Chad Posner-went home to see family

Kiki Kapowksi-Partied like a rock star

Alain Benson-Started drinking alone

Dirk Stronghold-watched all the Star Wars films back to back

johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com
send submissions to:
hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Vol II, Issue III, Dec 2007

John Rogers’ Poop Attacked by Terrorist Organization

By Son of Torts

A terrorist [Editor’s note: not a real one, but yes we know who you are] was recently seen throwing away issues of the John Rogers’ Poop by several members of the student body. Editor-in-Chief Harry S. Wrinkeltushy said he won’t rest until justice has been served and he makes some other relevant points while standing in front of a “mission accomplished” banner.

“I’m pretty sure it was a terrorist, because all terrorists hate free speech and don’t have senses of humor. These two character flaws are the same possessed by the terrorists who attacked the bridges in Minnesota” says 1L Bobby Howlett.

2L Jeannette Grey remarked, “I don’t think it was a terrorist, but whoever is throwing those papers away is completely justified. It’s [The Poop] not really funny and it’s not appealing. The use of pastel colored paper was a bad choice. Not to mention their poor use of clip art. What do piles of shaving cream have to do with the school? And did you check out how many typos were in the last issue…horrible. They [the writers of The Poop] are ruining the good name of the school. But I think it’s a fantastic thing that they’re giving that old, decrepit man Harry Wrinkeltushy a job, even though I doubt he’s getting paid anything. That’s okay I guess, because sometimes people who have nothing better to do with their time like to feel important.

“If there’s anything that I learned in my Constitutional Law and 1^st Amendment classes,” said Kimmy Montoya 3 ½ L, “is that satirical journalism is in no way free speech and like due process has no place in a law school.”

3L, and hardcore Poop fan, Logan Summers’ response to the news that issues were being thrown away was, “While some people may not like it, the John Rogers’ Poop is a legitimate journalistic endeavor, no matter how many typos were in November’s issue. To take someone’s hard work and trash it, is highly disrespectful. If you don’t like the Poop, you don’t have to read it. Instead, if you find it distasteful or not to your liking you can ignore it, just like how everyone ignores the rule about posting signs around the school.”

“I don’t care about the Poop either way,” stated Ashley Simpson (no, not that Ashley Simpson), “but what I do care about is the Earth. With global warming a proven fact, yes it’s a fact Republican Law Society; we should be conserving our resources. Throwing away paper is just wasteful, I think the ‘terrorist’ should’ve have just left the issues of the Poop alone for those who enjoy it, because after all that’s who it is written for. I guess if she really wanted to dispose of paper, she could at least have been considerate to Mother Nature and recycled.”

TLR to Institute New Motto in Response to Criticism

By Dirk Stronghold

In response to criticism, coming from a multitude of sources, that members of the Tulsa Law Review, while talented crafters of the written word, lack even the most basic social skills required for day to day survival, the TLR has instituted a new and hip organizational motto.

Two spokesmen for the TLR, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that beginning in the spring semester the TLR official motto will be “Tulsa Law Review; We’re Rubber and You’re Glue, Whatever You Say Bounces Off of Me and Sticks to You.” When asked if this motto would only perpetuate the common belief that members of TLR lack social skills rather than remedy such notions, one of the anonymous spokesman placed her hands over her ears, held her breath and began to stomp violently.

Additionally, the other anonymous spokesman placed this reporters nose between his middle and index fingers and proceeded to run around in circles while chanting “I’ve got your nose” over and over again.

While the Tulsa Law Review has consistently ranked in the top 100 Law Reviews nationally, it has been discovered by an unofficial poll of the nations leading law schools that its members rank just between World of Warcraft participants and recently released pedophiles as far as social graces are concerned. TLR members are confident that the new motto will place the nation on notice that this journal is staffed, and participated in, by serious professionals who not only know how to tie their shoes without ever having to say, “The bunny runs around the tree,” but can also refrain from chewing their toenails in public accommodations.

As usual, the infamous Law Review Mafia refused to comment on this investigative report, citing the lackluster groups strongly adhered to policy of giving the cold shoulder to anyone that is African American, overweight, poor or not on the Law Review

WebAdvisor taken over by SkyNet

By Alain Benson

If you were supposed to register at 12:01am on Thursday November 15^th but instead found out that the system had crashed, you were not alone. Several students stayed up needlessly until 3am, desperately trying to get that last spot for Online Legal Research.

Prior to popular opinion, poor planning by whoever coordinates registration did not contribute to the system crash. Instead, government agencies revealed that SkyNet is active and all should prepare for judgment day.

“That makes a whole lot of sense,” says 2L Sammy Blumpkin, “And it certainly explains why I thought I saw a T-800 unit in the men’s bathroom. That or it was just a really buff, naked homeless guy using the facilities to clean up a bit. Either way, if your name is Sarah Connor, I wouldn’t answer your door”

KiKi’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I’m taking my first law school finals and am like totally nervous. I’ve never really studied before. What advice can you give me so I don’t flunk out after my first semester?

-Lackadaisical 1L-

Dear Laxative 1L,

I have two like totally important awesome keys to succeeding in law school.

1) Whatever you do don’t sleep with an upperclassmen (no matter how cute they are) for their outlines. Sure the outlines may be like totally great. But it’s totally not cool to transmit the clap to your long distance boyfriend of 4 years over winter break.

B) You may have heard something called IRAC, you know like the country that attacked the US. Well that’s an acronym for Instantly Report Assumed Cheaters. This means report anyone who you think is cheating during the exam or anyone who you think will do better than you. Totally works for me and is much better than hiding all of the crunchtime books the library provides.

Kiki ^_^

Poop Pieces

· The ABA reports that it was thoroughly impressed with the cleanliness of the school. One member was overheard saying that, “these are the shiniest banisters I’ve seen at any 4^th tiered law school, it’s so pine fresh clean I don’t think I need to review their academic standards”

· Like what we’ve done so far? Here’s what you can expect next semester:

o An expose on students who have left to find jobs

o A give a dime take dime jar to help pay for Sodas

o T-shirt sale with proceeds going to a charity organization supporting free speech

o Rock The (SBA) Vote BBQ party

· The John Rogers’ Poop staff wishes everyone good luck on their finals and hopes that almost everyone makes it back next semester

· As always if you want to submit an article send it to: hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Vol. II, Issue II, November 2007

Law School Giving Away Free Education to Thousands

By Alain Benson

New revelations this week about a change in the study body demographics has a group of students up at arms. Through confidential sources, The Poop has learned that the University Of Tulsa College Of Law is providing an education to thousands of students free of charge. This recent disclosure has many paying students angered at the price of tuition and the “free riding” allowed for a specific group. “I don't understand why some of us have to pay and some don't” said perpetually disinterested 3L Lawrence “Boots” McFadden. “It wouldn't be so insulting but they refuse to learn the language and assimilate into our society” he added. Who are these “freeloading” students? Roaches.

The roaches have moved into the MLIC in recent years and have taken up permanent residence in the basement. They lived a relatively invisible existence until last month when Mark Phillips, a native Oklahoma cockroach who has been at TU Law for 6 years, was offered and ultimately accepted a coveted position with a local firm. Phillips' hiring (while oddly not making national headlines) sent shockwaves through the student body. Reaction to the situation has been mixed. Some students have taken a hard line and others don't mind the competition. “I say we build a wall. That's the only way to keep them out,” said 1L Norv Johnson. “We need to be proactive; this situation isn't going to solve itself.” “I don't mind 'em, they do the jobs the rest of us won't.” said 3L Taylor Roberts. “They pick up the food in the MLIC and who do you think puts paper in the printers?” She added.

While school administration is concerned about the cockroaches, they say the larger issue is the bad elements that often accompany such settlements. Reports of crickets and even mice have surfaced in recent weeks and at least one school official (who asked to remain anonymous) is growing more concerned about making trips to the basement: “It's getting scary down there. The crickets won't shut up and the mice are getting aggressive.” This concern has lead to at least some students and faculty taking action. Johnson is the student representative for a Students and Teachers Against Matriculating Pests or STAMP. He says it is not the cockroaches themselves he minds, it is the precedent that is being set. “I'm not concerned about any species that wants to attend school here and pay tuition. I am concerned that the average joe is paying full tuition and housing while others are moving in and getting the same privileges for free. I mean, they don't even have to buy books, they live in the damn law library.”

SEX

Now that I have your attention, do you think you are humorous? Do you have 5^th grade writing skills? Want a job? More specifically do you want a job that doesn’t pay anything except the satisfaction of making people smile and sticking it to the man? Then send a humorous 300 word article to hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com, and you just may be the Poop’s newest journalist.

Students Take a Crack at Presidential Surprise

By Chad Posner

Prior to Steadman “The Stead Man” Upham’s announcement of Professor Janet Levit’s becoming interim dean of the law school, several students tried to guess what the University’s President had in store for the Law School.

“I personally thought that the grading curve issue was going to be solved,” said 3L Dane Wilson. Others thought that there was going to be an increase of free food available in the Pit at all given hours of the day. 2L Christie Pryde had this suggestion, “Maybe they’re going to allow student groups to order food that isn’t Mazzio’s, Subway, or Arby’s.”

“I was thinking that the announcement was about how administration finally has it’s act together and we’ll actually be able to schedule for next semester’s classes before we are in the middle of finals,” remarked 2L John Drake, “but like the rest of the law school I’m excited and happy for Professor Levit, any other concerns we [the student body] has are just trivial.”

Facebook Group Plans to Save Darfur

By Son of Torts

Administrator for the Facebook group, Friends of the Poop and editor-in-chief for the John Rogers Poop has a refreshing idea on how to raise money for Darfur.

“Here’s the deal. For every 10 people that join ‘Friends of the Poop’, between now and the end of the school year I’ll donate $5 from my social security check to a private fund that will either go to needy people in Darfur or to throw a kick ass rave featuring local band Tech Tonic.”

Recently hired columnist Kiki Kapowski had this to say, “So I totally go wasted at the SBA Halloween party and like totally lost my phone. So if we were friends and I had your phone number join the group and post your number so I can add it to my new iPhone. K Thx Bye!”

Jiminy Crickets

By Kiki Kapowski

So, like, prior to Noah leading the Jews out of Egypt to escape those total meanies the Nazis, God totally laid down some plagues. One of those plagues was a swarm of locust. So is a plague coming to the University of Tulsa? If you don’t think so, just be quiet for a couple of seconds and you’ll totally hear the crickets.

Now research totally shows that the insects were probably Schistocerca Gregaria and like not Gryllidae Gryllinae that we have in our school, but it’s totally the same problem.

What’s going to come next? Death of the first born? Students’ Diet Mountain Dew turning into blood? All of these sure signs that like a higher power isn’t happy or that the school is like seriously lacking in funds to hire an exterminator. Rumor has it that some of your classmates are even planning mass exoduses to better law schools

And where will this leave those who aren’t chosen to go along? Probably suffering through trying to study for finals because you can’t concentrate because of the noise.

However, I’m like totally sure that administration is taking care of this. As soon as the asbestos is removed and as soon as the Pit if finally remodeled as promised and as soon as the carpet in the library is replaced again. . . they’ll get right on taking care of the cricket problem.

Poop Pieces

· The Poop would like to extend apologies to any 1Ls that were offended by the previous. Just know that it’s all in good fun and sometimes law school shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

· In order to get students to use Lexis Nexis over Westlaw, points can now be spent to get: cigarettes, caffeine pills, low quality coffee, old editions of high court case briefs, and pornographic DVDs.

· Administration would like to quash any rumors relating to Robert Butkin’s disappearance and the start of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s 6^th season. Yes, Butkin and Larry David look alike, but everything else is pure coincidence

· There will be a moment of silence held in the Pit on November 20, in remembrance of all students who will drop out, flunk out or be kicked out because of Halo 3.

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-

Editor in Chief

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Chad Posner-Head Journalist

Kiki Kapowksi-Gossip Columnist

Alain Benson-Kidnapped Help