College of Law Institutes Nanny Policy
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.
Even though the population of the student body are older than 18 and probably don’t live at home anymore, they are in dire need of help. This is why administration has finally enacted the SABANNP, Students Are Babies and Need Nannies Policy.
“Such policies have been successful at other schools, mainly preschools, but we can’t see why it wouldn’t be a huge hit here at the law school,” ensured administration.
Sure we all have experiences with nannies. For those of who grew up in the 80s, you may remember the overbearing presence of the giant legs of Nanny from The Muppet Babies. Or some may recall the annoyingly hysterics of Fran Drescher. Then there’s the best nanny ever, Tony Danza’s Tony Micelli from Who’s The Boss. All these examples are great, but in no way are an accurate representation of what to expect. Do you really think TU has the funds to hire Tony Danza as a nanny?
The Poop was told that the Nanny Policy will help students with their everyday-to-day tasks outside of law school.
Students will be given a set bed time, so that there won’t be any grumpy grumpykins in the 8:30 am classes. And if some students sleep in, nannies will call them.
Nannies will also be sure to send out e-mails to the student body reminding them of good personal hygiene, like taking daily showers and how to properly brush their teeth.
There will be health reminders as well, pointing out the dangers of chewing tobacco, unprotected sex, binge drinking at Brookside Bar, and the related health problems associated with smoking.
The Nanny policy would also hiring a crossing guard for the cross walk to the main entrance of John Rogers Hall. This is to ensure the safety of law students and to stop the TU shuttles and speeding engineering students from ignoring individuals attempting to walk across to the parking lot.
Students expressed concerns regarding the policy. “I’m 22 years old,” said Jamie Lipps, 1L, “I don’t need someone calling me to wake me up before I go to class. I already have my Mom in Florida do that for me. She also sets up my study schedule and reviews my assignments.”
“Who the hell do they think they are to tell me I can’t smoke or have a nice fat dipsky while I sit in my advance torts class,” exclaimed 3L, Timothy Thomas. “And I’m as sure as hell not going to start having protected sex. Condoms take away all the feeling and therefore all the fun. It’s not like I can afford them anyways since the tuition increase.”
Other students seem to welcome the policy. “This is fantastic. Not only did I have the hots for Fran Drescher, but I consider myself quite lazy,” remarked 2L Samuel Supineness. “The less work I have to do. I hear that they’ll wipe my ass after I make……how’s that for scatological humor?
2L Suspended For Improper Method of Selling Books
By Son of Torts
2L Johnathan Applebaum was suspended for one week Monday after officials learned that the second year law student sold a Constitutional Law Supplement to a 1L for $15.
“If he wants to sell his old supplements he can do that,” said Assistant Dean of Cranky Student Affairs Amanda Johnson. “However we have a system for selling books at this school, and like the infinite notices about group meetings, it should be done through the e-mail system.”
“The schools IT department has spent countless hours to implement the school’s e-mail and internet services so that students would all get a chance to buy old books and supplements,” Johnson explained.
“What about that student sitting in his apartment? Doesn’t he deserve a chance to get a great deal on some old supplements and not just the student sitting in the Pit? That is who I am thinking of.”
In response to the unauthorized sale Johnson informed the Poop that a detailed email, in response to the unauthorized sale, on how to sell old books is currently being worked on and will be coming to your TU address within the week.
Missing Student Found, Surprisingly Not Raped
By Chad Posner
In February of 2007, Rebecca Sloven disappeared early on into her 4th semester of law school. Through keen investigative journalism skills that would make even Fletch blush, the Poop was able to track her down.
“First off, I want to say that I wasn’t kidnapped and/or raped”, explains Rebecca. “What happened was I was feeling down after finally receiving my Crim Pro grade and having an internal debate on whether I should stay in law school or not. To take my mind off of things I went to Starbucks to get my daily Grande Soy Caramel Macchiato”
“It was then that my regular barista commented on how they were hiring. I thought there is no way I could work there, I didn’t have the skills. But as soon as she started going into the employee benefits I was hooked and immediately filled out an application and turned in my resume along with a cover letter. The next day I showed up for work and I have been happy ever since.”
“At first I thought it was going to be a part time thing, you know the 15 hours allowed by the school. But it was just so fun that I stopped going to class.”
“Do I miss law school? Not really, although Thursdays at McNellie’s were always fun. At Starbucks I don’t have to deal with the Socratic Method or have to needlessly brief seemingly irrelevant cases. Plus like I said, the benefits are great. I’m making enough to afford a penthouse in downtown Tulsa, two dogs, a brand new Prius, a Nintendo Wii, and paying my boyfriends medical school loans. Within the next month I should have a management position where I get stock options. I also really really really really really enjoy the free pound of coffee employees receive every month.”
Editor’s note: TU College of Law has currently filed a suit against Rebecca, claiming damages for the loss of expected tuition for her last year of law school.
KiKi’s Kolumn
Dear Kiki,
Valentines Day is quickly approaching. How do I get the girl (whom I’m majorly crushin’ on) that sits two rows in front of me to notice me? Also what are some romantic places to have a first date?
-Bashful Barrister-
Dear Sheepish Solicitor,
Well you could start leaving cutesy little love letters in her seat. Or you could like totally decorate her study carrel. But like the best solution is like to stop being such a pussy and next time you are at a bar together totally give her a drunken confession of your tubular love.
As for a romantic first date? I think an appetizer course at Coney Islander would totally be sweet and then onto Tei Kei’s for a romantic dinner, followed by a post dinner drink at Another Round.
After that a beer pong at Dirty’s followed by a trip to Jewell on Brookside where he could watch me dance with other guys.
Hopefully he’d take me to Arby's for a 5 for $5.95 before we went back to his place.
Kiki ^_^
Poop Pieces
· Congratulations to Michael Whelan for being the person to finally
· have the chutzpah to start a Democratic Law Society at this school
· If you see the newest Westlaw rep around campus, be sure to ask for the free 150 Westlaw points.
· Whoever made the sexually suggestive snowmen outside of the MLIC, please see the front desk to retrieve your carrots, scarf, and coal.
What the staff did over break?
Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-
Divorced…again
Son of torts- survived 4 days in the Alaskan wilderness
Chad Posner-went home to see family
Kiki Kapowksi-Partied like a rock star
Alain Benson-Started drinking alone
Dirk Stronghold-watched all the Star Wars films back to back
johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com
send submissions to:
hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment