Vol II, Issue III, Dec 2007

John Rogers’ Poop Attacked by Terrorist Organization

By Son of Torts

A terrorist [Editor’s note: not a real one, but yes we know who you are] was recently seen throwing away issues of the John Rogers’ Poop by several members of the student body. Editor-in-Chief Harry S. Wrinkeltushy said he won’t rest until justice has been served and he makes some other relevant points while standing in front of a “mission accomplished” banner.

“I’m pretty sure it was a terrorist, because all terrorists hate free speech and don’t have senses of humor. These two character flaws are the same possessed by the terrorists who attacked the bridges in Minnesota” says 1L Bobby Howlett.

2L Jeannette Grey remarked, “I don’t think it was a terrorist, but whoever is throwing those papers away is completely justified. It’s [The Poop] not really funny and it’s not appealing. The use of pastel colored paper was a bad choice. Not to mention their poor use of clip art. What do piles of shaving cream have to do with the school? And did you check out how many typos were in the last issue…horrible. They [the writers of The Poop] are ruining the good name of the school. But I think it’s a fantastic thing that they’re giving that old, decrepit man Harry Wrinkeltushy a job, even though I doubt he’s getting paid anything. That’s okay I guess, because sometimes people who have nothing better to do with their time like to feel important.

“If there’s anything that I learned in my Constitutional Law and 1^st Amendment classes,” said Kimmy Montoya 3 ½ L, “is that satirical journalism is in no way free speech and like due process has no place in a law school.”

3L, and hardcore Poop fan, Logan Summers’ response to the news that issues were being thrown away was, “While some people may not like it, the John Rogers’ Poop is a legitimate journalistic endeavor, no matter how many typos were in November’s issue. To take someone’s hard work and trash it, is highly disrespectful. If you don’t like the Poop, you don’t have to read it. Instead, if you find it distasteful or not to your liking you can ignore it, just like how everyone ignores the rule about posting signs around the school.”

“I don’t care about the Poop either way,” stated Ashley Simpson (no, not that Ashley Simpson), “but what I do care about is the Earth. With global warming a proven fact, yes it’s a fact Republican Law Society; we should be conserving our resources. Throwing away paper is just wasteful, I think the ‘terrorist’ should’ve have just left the issues of the Poop alone for those who enjoy it, because after all that’s who it is written for. I guess if she really wanted to dispose of paper, she could at least have been considerate to Mother Nature and recycled.”

TLR to Institute New Motto in Response to Criticism

By Dirk Stronghold

In response to criticism, coming from a multitude of sources, that members of the Tulsa Law Review, while talented crafters of the written word, lack even the most basic social skills required for day to day survival, the TLR has instituted a new and hip organizational motto.

Two spokesmen for the TLR, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that beginning in the spring semester the TLR official motto will be “Tulsa Law Review; We’re Rubber and You’re Glue, Whatever You Say Bounces Off of Me and Sticks to You.” When asked if this motto would only perpetuate the common belief that members of TLR lack social skills rather than remedy such notions, one of the anonymous spokesman placed her hands over her ears, held her breath and began to stomp violently.

Additionally, the other anonymous spokesman placed this reporters nose between his middle and index fingers and proceeded to run around in circles while chanting “I’ve got your nose” over and over again.

While the Tulsa Law Review has consistently ranked in the top 100 Law Reviews nationally, it has been discovered by an unofficial poll of the nations leading law schools that its members rank just between World of Warcraft participants and recently released pedophiles as far as social graces are concerned. TLR members are confident that the new motto will place the nation on notice that this journal is staffed, and participated in, by serious professionals who not only know how to tie their shoes without ever having to say, “The bunny runs around the tree,” but can also refrain from chewing their toenails in public accommodations.

As usual, the infamous Law Review Mafia refused to comment on this investigative report, citing the lackluster groups strongly adhered to policy of giving the cold shoulder to anyone that is African American, overweight, poor or not on the Law Review

WebAdvisor taken over by SkyNet

By Alain Benson

If you were supposed to register at 12:01am on Thursday November 15^th but instead found out that the system had crashed, you were not alone. Several students stayed up needlessly until 3am, desperately trying to get that last spot for Online Legal Research.

Prior to popular opinion, poor planning by whoever coordinates registration did not contribute to the system crash. Instead, government agencies revealed that SkyNet is active and all should prepare for judgment day.

“That makes a whole lot of sense,” says 2L Sammy Blumpkin, “And it certainly explains why I thought I saw a T-800 unit in the men’s bathroom. That or it was just a really buff, naked homeless guy using the facilities to clean up a bit. Either way, if your name is Sarah Connor, I wouldn’t answer your door”

KiKi’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I’m taking my first law school finals and am like totally nervous. I’ve never really studied before. What advice can you give me so I don’t flunk out after my first semester?

-Lackadaisical 1L-

Dear Laxative 1L,

I have two like totally important awesome keys to succeeding in law school.

1) Whatever you do don’t sleep with an upperclassmen (no matter how cute they are) for their outlines. Sure the outlines may be like totally great. But it’s totally not cool to transmit the clap to your long distance boyfriend of 4 years over winter break.

B) You may have heard something called IRAC, you know like the country that attacked the US. Well that’s an acronym for Instantly Report Assumed Cheaters. This means report anyone who you think is cheating during the exam or anyone who you think will do better than you. Totally works for me and is much better than hiding all of the crunchtime books the library provides.

Kiki ^_^

Poop Pieces

· The ABA reports that it was thoroughly impressed with the cleanliness of the school. One member was overheard saying that, “these are the shiniest banisters I’ve seen at any 4^th tiered law school, it’s so pine fresh clean I don’t think I need to review their academic standards”

· Like what we’ve done so far? Here’s what you can expect next semester:

o An expose on students who have left to find jobs

o A give a dime take dime jar to help pay for Sodas

o T-shirt sale with proceeds going to a charity organization supporting free speech

o Rock The (SBA) Vote BBQ party

· The John Rogers’ Poop staff wishes everyone good luck on their finals and hopes that almost everyone makes it back next semester

· As always if you want to submit an article send it to: hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Vol. II, Issue II, November 2007

Law School Giving Away Free Education to Thousands

By Alain Benson

New revelations this week about a change in the study body demographics has a group of students up at arms. Through confidential sources, The Poop has learned that the University Of Tulsa College Of Law is providing an education to thousands of students free of charge. This recent disclosure has many paying students angered at the price of tuition and the “free riding” allowed for a specific group. “I don't understand why some of us have to pay and some don't” said perpetually disinterested 3L Lawrence “Boots” McFadden. “It wouldn't be so insulting but they refuse to learn the language and assimilate into our society” he added. Who are these “freeloading” students? Roaches.

The roaches have moved into the MLIC in recent years and have taken up permanent residence in the basement. They lived a relatively invisible existence until last month when Mark Phillips, a native Oklahoma cockroach who has been at TU Law for 6 years, was offered and ultimately accepted a coveted position with a local firm. Phillips' hiring (while oddly not making national headlines) sent shockwaves through the student body. Reaction to the situation has been mixed. Some students have taken a hard line and others don't mind the competition. “I say we build a wall. That's the only way to keep them out,” said 1L Norv Johnson. “We need to be proactive; this situation isn't going to solve itself.” “I don't mind 'em, they do the jobs the rest of us won't.” said 3L Taylor Roberts. “They pick up the food in the MLIC and who do you think puts paper in the printers?” She added.

While school administration is concerned about the cockroaches, they say the larger issue is the bad elements that often accompany such settlements. Reports of crickets and even mice have surfaced in recent weeks and at least one school official (who asked to remain anonymous) is growing more concerned about making trips to the basement: “It's getting scary down there. The crickets won't shut up and the mice are getting aggressive.” This concern has lead to at least some students and faculty taking action. Johnson is the student representative for a Students and Teachers Against Matriculating Pests or STAMP. He says it is not the cockroaches themselves he minds, it is the precedent that is being set. “I'm not concerned about any species that wants to attend school here and pay tuition. I am concerned that the average joe is paying full tuition and housing while others are moving in and getting the same privileges for free. I mean, they don't even have to buy books, they live in the damn law library.”

SEX

Now that I have your attention, do you think you are humorous? Do you have 5^th grade writing skills? Want a job? More specifically do you want a job that doesn’t pay anything except the satisfaction of making people smile and sticking it to the man? Then send a humorous 300 word article to hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com, and you just may be the Poop’s newest journalist.

Students Take a Crack at Presidential Surprise

By Chad Posner

Prior to Steadman “The Stead Man” Upham’s announcement of Professor Janet Levit’s becoming interim dean of the law school, several students tried to guess what the University’s President had in store for the Law School.

“I personally thought that the grading curve issue was going to be solved,” said 3L Dane Wilson. Others thought that there was going to be an increase of free food available in the Pit at all given hours of the day. 2L Christie Pryde had this suggestion, “Maybe they’re going to allow student groups to order food that isn’t Mazzio’s, Subway, or Arby’s.”

“I was thinking that the announcement was about how administration finally has it’s act together and we’ll actually be able to schedule for next semester’s classes before we are in the middle of finals,” remarked 2L John Drake, “but like the rest of the law school I’m excited and happy for Professor Levit, any other concerns we [the student body] has are just trivial.”

Facebook Group Plans to Save Darfur

By Son of Torts

Administrator for the Facebook group, Friends of the Poop and editor-in-chief for the John Rogers Poop has a refreshing idea on how to raise money for Darfur.

“Here’s the deal. For every 10 people that join ‘Friends of the Poop’, between now and the end of the school year I’ll donate $5 from my social security check to a private fund that will either go to needy people in Darfur or to throw a kick ass rave featuring local band Tech Tonic.”

Recently hired columnist Kiki Kapowski had this to say, “So I totally go wasted at the SBA Halloween party and like totally lost my phone. So if we were friends and I had your phone number join the group and post your number so I can add it to my new iPhone. K Thx Bye!”

Jiminy Crickets

By Kiki Kapowski

So, like, prior to Noah leading the Jews out of Egypt to escape those total meanies the Nazis, God totally laid down some plagues. One of those plagues was a swarm of locust. So is a plague coming to the University of Tulsa? If you don’t think so, just be quiet for a couple of seconds and you’ll totally hear the crickets.

Now research totally shows that the insects were probably Schistocerca Gregaria and like not Gryllidae Gryllinae that we have in our school, but it’s totally the same problem.

What’s going to come next? Death of the first born? Students’ Diet Mountain Dew turning into blood? All of these sure signs that like a higher power isn’t happy or that the school is like seriously lacking in funds to hire an exterminator. Rumor has it that some of your classmates are even planning mass exoduses to better law schools

And where will this leave those who aren’t chosen to go along? Probably suffering through trying to study for finals because you can’t concentrate because of the noise.

However, I’m like totally sure that administration is taking care of this. As soon as the asbestos is removed and as soon as the Pit if finally remodeled as promised and as soon as the carpet in the library is replaced again. . . they’ll get right on taking care of the cricket problem.

Poop Pieces

· The Poop would like to extend apologies to any 1Ls that were offended by the previous. Just know that it’s all in good fun and sometimes law school shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

· In order to get students to use Lexis Nexis over Westlaw, points can now be spent to get: cigarettes, caffeine pills, low quality coffee, old editions of high court case briefs, and pornographic DVDs.

· Administration would like to quash any rumors relating to Robert Butkin’s disappearance and the start of Curb Your Enthusiasm’s 6^th season. Yes, Butkin and Larry David look alike, but everything else is pure coincidence

· There will be a moment of silence held in the Pit on November 20, in remembrance of all students who will drop out, flunk out or be kicked out because of Halo 3.

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-

Editor in Chief

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Chad Posner-Head Journalist

Kiki Kapowksi-Gossip Columnist

Alain Benson-Kidnapped Help