Vol. III, Issue I, September 2008

TU Law Diversity Problems Solved by 1L

By Alain Benson

As an upper middle class white male I can fully appreciate the effects of gentrification. I get to live in an exciting urban setting while enjoying my gourmet coffee without the risk of being harassed by minorities. But gentrification, like everything, is good in moderation.

If you haven’t already noticed, TU Law is lacking in the diversity department, what with our 1 black guy, 2 Asians, and a sprinkle of Jew. I don’t want to bring up any Gratz v. Bollinger or Grutter v. Bollinger discussions [Thanks Prof. Entzeroth!], but what I’m really trying to say is that I’m sick and tired of looking at all of your WASPy faces!

Luckily for us The College of Law fully recognizes and appreciates the problem and enrolled 1L, Tatsuya Steinenbaum, to quiet all concerns of TU being 98% cracker. I had the fortunate opportunity to sit down with Tatsuya to discuss his influential role as a member of the student body.

AB: So Tatsuyo, tell us why Admissions considered you such a qualified candidate.

TS: Well, besides double majoring in African-American and Women Studies, I think it’s more of my unique history that I was selected to practically fill all possible diversity gaps within the school’s population.

AB: Unique? How So?

TS: I’m Jewish Japanese-American. My father went to Japan in the early 70s to secure some new business opportunities and came down with a serious case of yellow fever. He met my mom, an aspiring business women who wanted to bring underwear vending machines to the global market. It was love at first sight. 2 months after they were married I was born.

I raised in west Philadelphia, where I spent most of my time at the school’s playground.

One day I was playing some basketball, when these neighborhood kids started making some trouble.

AB: Sounds like they were up to no good.

TS: Probably not. Anyways, I ended up getting into one little fight; this scared my mom a bit, she being the typical overbearing Asian Jewish mother, and sent me to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air.

AB: That sounds awfully familiar for some reason.

TS: All minorities suffer similar life catastrophes. So here I was living outside of Compton and I decided to try and start a hip-hop career with the stage name of Chop Jewy. It never really worked out but I did develop a love for African-American culture, hence my undergraduate major from ULA…go Peacocks!

AB: Is there anything else about you that will help the diversity crisis?

TS: Well…I am bi-sexual. We could go someplace and celebrate some diversity if you want to.

AB: You digust me

TS: You can pitch and I’ll catch.

AB: My place or yours?

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkletushy, Esq – Editor in Chief

Alain Benson-Staff reporter

Chad Posner-Article Editor

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Dirk Stronghold-Headlines

Nino Brown-Bitch canceller

An Open Letter to Student Organizations

By Son of Torts

Dear Student Organizations,

At the time I’m writing this, it’s been of month of school. I think everyone is doing a wonderful job trying to acquire memberships and raise awareness for whatever causes you support.

But there is a problem. I’m already sick of Mazzio’s Pizza. It’s soggy, greasy, and always cold. Plus it never really hits the spot. I just kind of eat it because it’s there and I don’t have the money to buy lunch from the ACAC everyday.

I calculated meals provided by student organizations in my budget so I could request a proper amount for this semester's student loans.

I want to request a modest proposal, get some variety in your food and while I won’t actually join your group, I will promise to pay attention during the meetings.

Also what’s with not providing us with drinks? Great pizza! It’s salty. How about some soda or some beer to help wash it down? With soda prices up another 15 cents, I can no longer afford those either.

I’m not looking for handouts, just some support and understanding that my life and your food choices need a little variety.

And if you ever order those wraps from the school again, I swear I will track you down and drop kick you in the face.

Sincerely,

Son of Torts

P.S. I do like Papa Johns and Arby’s would be nice once in a while

A Harry Situation

By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq

I’ll skip all the false cheerful greetings because I simply don’t have the energy.

I realized how old I was this summer when I just no longer took the effort to complain about how cold movie theatres are or to make rude comments to parents who think it’s appropriate to bring their crying children into my favorite restaurant.

I don’t think I’m dying, but I do think I’m ready to go into old reclusive hermit mode, maybe start collecting old newspapers and decorating my trees with random glass ornaments.

Along with me not having the energy to yell at kids on my lawn, some of our staff writers are exhausted by an increasing course load or preoccupied with actually being responsible students.

Shit! Dirk decided to get a job and Alain just found love. So I no longer expect any gret contributions from them.

So, I turn to you adamant readers (and fans) of the John Rogers’ Poop, send me some goddamn submissions and help keep the dream alive.

Here’s my e-mail address:

hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

We’re also accepting applications for new staff members and the right individuals to carry the torch once we are gone.

Poop Pieces

· Some of you may have noticed that Ms. Kapowski is no longer with us. After a successful first year she managed to transfer to a 1^st tier law school. We wish her the best and hope she again successfully manages to sleep her way to the tope.

· With the absurd increase in soda price, our plans to have a take a dime leave a dime cup have been nixed. I’m sure that our new 1L delegates will take this issue seriously and will listen to our requests to again propose that soda prices should be lowered.

· Note to all 1Ls if you haven’t figured it out, this is a satirical piece of work. If you want to catch up check out previous articles at:
johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com

· The Phantom Chewer still remains at large. Administration is offering a reward for any information that will lead to his capture.

· Friday soccer is and remains cooler than Friday volleyball

· Remember Tuesday is Rosh Hashanah and if you’re Jewish you can skip classes with no ill repercussions

Vol. II, Issue VI, April 2008

History of the John Rogers’ Poop, Part I

Well much to our amazement and to others’ dismay we’ve been more or less continuously and successfully running for a year. So to celebrate this prodigious occasion and to answer several of your e-mail questions, we proudly present to you the history of the Tulsa’s College of Law more popular newspaper.

It all started in the fall semester of 2006. A small group of students were hanging around the table in the pit and were eagerly participating in the sharing of law school gossip. One such fellow commented on Dicta’s erratic printing schedule at the time, along with that publication’s inability to provide interesting articles. This wise gentleman came up with the idea of creating a fake gossip newsletter akin to The Onion. His idea for the first headline would be the announcement of his pregnancy and examining the allegations of which faculty member was the other parent.

What would be the name of this journalistic endeavor? The John Rogers’ Poop. The group around the table was shocked. Not at the idea of a guy being pregnant, but that such a scatological name was surely inappropriate. But the young future lawyer ensured that no fecal implications were intended. In fact, according to the Random House Unabridged Diction, “poop” is a noun that means a form of relevant information, esp. a candid or pertinent factual report; or the low-down of a situation.

With the cog wheels of idea turning in the heads of the participating individuals, the next step was to fine a qualified staff to run such a publication.

The first such hire was The Honorable Richard Posner’s evil brother, Chad. Chad was initially the editor for the first two issues of “The Poop”, but because of a busy schedule he eventually removed himself of the position. Fortunately he decided to stay on as a featured writer, giving his expert opinion on the disappearance of a contracts professor and the mass incontinence incident of 2007’s 1L class.

The Son of Torts was the next individual to take a staff position. With previous journalism experience, the Son of Torts was a qualified investigative journalist in the likes of I.M. “Fletch” Fletcher. His uncanny ability to report on what’s important to the student body, like lack of free lunches, is truly a great asset to the John Rogers Poop.

The final initial staff member is none other than Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. Several students were aware of his previous residence at the bus station located on Denver Ave. If a student needed help citing for an assignment or had to get a black market outline, he was the go to guy. Harry, while disbarred from 5 states (and previously admitted to practice in 3), was a cesspool of legal knowledge and a strongly desired member of the John Rogers’ Poop team. Initially covering small tidbits of local gossip, he stepped up to the plate early in the 2007 Fall Semester to take over Editor-In-Chief duties.

The 2007/2008 school year has brought several other important staff additions.

There is Alain Benson, who’s countless hours spent in the bottom level of the MLIC, gives him the opportunity to report on library specific events.

Dirk Stronghold, while simultaneously writing on all three legal journals, thankfully sets aside time to provide up-to-date information on the members of the law school’s seemingly upper echelon.

Then there’s Kiki Kapowski. While no one intended her to actually being a continuous contributor, her “Kolumn” provides important reader/writer interaction; as well as, the catty attitude found in undergraduate sex advice columns.

As the school year moves forward and the next one slowly approaches. We encourage you to continue to enjoy the John Rogers’ Poop, provide us with your feed back, and follow Ima T. Messce’s example by being a helpful contributor that makes “The Poop” a rewarding experience for all involved…staff and readers alike.

Wrinkeltushy Announces Bid for SBA Presidency

By: Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

I, Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq., hereby announce my intention to run for the Student Bar Association President. Sure I may be a bit old and starting to go senile, but I’m the only qualified candidate that the University of Tulsa-College of Law will have during this year’s election.

Do I have experience? Of course I do, I’m old. I’m full of lifetime experiences, many which I claimed for credits which went towards my Ph.D. in Women’s Spirituality that I received from Belford University.

Some of these lifetime experiences have crossed into the political spectrum. In 5^th grade, my class voted me to be the lucky and responsible individual to lead them to the cafeteria during lunch time. I held this honorable position for a whole 2 weeks until a recall election was held. Apparently I got easily distracted and lead the class astray a few too many times, but I think they enjoyed their lunches out in the play yard.

I’ve had numerous unsuccessful runs for many municipal and school board elections. Although I did get a seat on a county’s board, but later found out that the position was dissolved when I came back from a vacation.

There is also the time I was successfully voted out of being the block captain for my neighborhood. I correctly believed that allowing people to paint their doors red was unconscionable, distracting, and contributing to the delinquency of the neighborhood’s youth.

What will I provide the student body as their newly elected Commander-In-Chief? The following is a brief list of my agenda:

· Lower the cost of sodas. The student body needs it’s caffeine fix and sometimes it’s really inconvenient to constantly ask your friends if they can spare a dime.

· Place the “Ask a Dean” box in a location where it might actually be utilized

· Getting the word out about Ruckus, the free online music service

· Limit the amount of times a student association can order Mazzio’s for their meetings, especially when Arby’s is just down the road.

· Increase the number of daily emails everybody receives, regardless if such information is irrelevant to their law class.

· Move the pictures of notable past professors around, because a little bit of change and variety can be stimulating.

· Make sure that class schedules for registering for upcoming semesters are released earlier so that students can start studying for finals without the additional stress of planning their futures. Such information would also be beneficial so that students could inform their potential employers about their schedules if they are intending to take summer classes

· Putting a stop to the concern that the Boesche Legal Clinic is undergoing steps to secede from the University

· Allocating funds to get two-ply toilet paper in the bathrooms

· Continuing the fight for a respectable grade curve

· Making Tom Scott’s “Today” the College of Law’s official song, because I believe we should live for today and not worry too much about our future.

Remember to vote on April 9^th or 10^th.

Wrinkeltushy ‘08

We’re Sorry, So Sorry

We would like to apologize, even though Yom Kippur is a ways off.

We’re sorry to the individuals who did not find last month’s issue funny. We appreciate the criticism, even if it is writing “NOT FUNNY” on an issue and taping it to a wall. We honestly appreciate such actions because it shows us that 1) people are actually reading “The Poop” and 2) it’s a perfect example of exercising one’s first amendment rights, something we strongly encourage and is the main driving force for those of us who write for “The Poop”

We would also like to apologize to those who may have been offended or didn’t get a chance to be offended by Ima T. Messce’s article on the tort of Intentional Infliction of Sexual Distress. We would like to point out that our “manifesto” is located on our first issue, which can be found on our blog:

johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com

Also, if you wanted to read the back half of last month’s issue but couldn’t due to the printing error (we simply don’t have the same resources as Dicta), that can also be found on the blog along with all previous issues.

As always, we appreciate any feedback or submission. Both can be sent to hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

Be sure to join our facebook group “Friends of the Poop” to show your appreciation.

The Staff of the John Rogers’ Poop hopes that everyone has a great summer (H.A.G.S. !!!!!) and makes it back next year.

And of course…good luck on finals

Vol II, Issue V, March 2008

Phantom Chewer Still at Large
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

After two scathing e-mails the Phantom Chewer has yet to be caught. Someone or something refuses to stop leaving plugs of chewing tobacco neatly and carefully hidden on the chairs located in various rooms of John Rogers Hall.

Students who are worried about this phantom presence in the law school should take comfort in the recent hiring of Butch “Sundance Kid” Cassidy, P.I. Butch’s experience stems from his constant writing to the editors of Soldier of Fortune about his exploits and his degree in criminal justice he bought from Trinity Southern University. He also told The Poop that he learned his tracking skills by doing lots of peyote and losing money that’s supposed to pay for child support at the Osage Million Dollar Elm Casino.

“Most of my assignments involve me videotaping and watching adulterous affairs or tracking down lost husbands at China Moon,” says Butch, “so I was really shocked and quite excited to be hired by the University of Tulsa to track down this perp”

With several leads already being developed, Butch is fairly certain that the Phantom Chewer is probably responsible for other ‘crimes’ around the University.

Butch remarks, “There was the problem of the mystery Taoist, who desecrated the bathrooms. And then there was the delinquent that refused to post flyers on the designated billboards. Signs even point to him [the Phantom Chewer] being responsible for the missing donated cell phones last year.”

As always, students are polarized on the issue. Some feel that hiring Butch is a waste of University resources.

“I think it would be a lot more efficient if Virginia just sent out more e-mails degrading the disgusting habits of the student body,” remarks 2L, Julie Cicada.

1L, Aaron Summerset had this to say, “It’s about time someone took action. And I’m glad the school finally put some effort into stopping this menace.” Prime suspect and double dipper title champion, Travis “Super” Powers, was provided an opportunity to voice his concerns regarding the matter.

“First off, they aren’t real plugs of tobacco. From what I’ve seen, the guy’s leaving around ‘bandit bags’…which are for vaginas. Seriously, those things were invented so trailer-park women could join their husbands in one of their favorite past times.”

“Secondly, Yes! I do enjoy a good dipsky every hour or two. But I also wasn’t raised in a fucking barn and can walk the ten feet to a trash can to dispose of my wad of dip and the used coke bottle I use to store my spittle. Common courtesy goes a long way.”

“So now that everything is cleared up. Please stop confronting me in the halls and accusing me of being the douche bag who is either guilty about his habit or just too lazy to clean up after himself.”

Kiki’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I didn’t know who to turn to, but I recently overheard some fellow law students talking about asbestos located within John Rogers Hall. Is this true? If so is it dangerous?
-Perturbed Pupil-

Dear Protruding Pupae,

While I totally cannot like confirm or deny the claims of our peers, I did do some totally awesome internet research after I got done shopping on Zappos.com. After all, Spring is almost here and I need some new sandals.

Anyways here is like what I found; supposed symptoms and warning signs of asbestos poisoning.

You should probably see a doctor if you’ve been exposed to asbestos and have:
Shortness of breath
Chronic/Persistent Cough
Chest pains
Persistent 2.5 GPA
Difficulty reading for class
Swelling
Weight loss
Nausea
Obstructed Bowels
Anemia
Fever and/or night sweats

Hope this eases your paranoid mind.
Kiki ^_^


New Tort Investigated
By Ima T. Messce

You know about the tort of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, but what about Intentional Infliction of Sexual Distress (from the Latin Kokus Teasius). It is almost exclusively committed by females against males simply as a result of our societal norms.

The prima facie elements to establish this tort are:
1. Intent to cause severe sexual distress
2. Conduct must be extreme and outrageous, beyond all bounds of human decency
3. There must be a causal connection between the wrongful conduct and the sexual distress
4. The sexual distress must be severe

Applying the law to the facts of life as a 1L, we see that female 1Ls clearly provoke the sexual distress by their look, manner of dress, heavenly scent, perfect makeup, and generally flirtatious demeanor, thus establishing the first two elements. The causal connection between this behavior and the male sexual distress is made clear by increased incidences of male 1Ls lost in sexual fantasies involving 2 or more female classmates when called on, text messaging females during class trying to maybe “get some” later, drooling on laptop keyboards, staring at female 1L photos in FaceBook, and joining study groups and organizations based on the relative “hotness” of the girls rather than intellectual or professional compatibility. The severity of the stress and frustration is also evident by various physical manifestations and male efforts to avert same. More importantly ladies, in inflicting this IISD on males and not helping them past it, it has the same negative effect on YOU!

WAKE UP PEOPLE! We’re mature, consenting adult law students! It IS however, incumbent upon the ladies as the tortfeasors to eliminate this problem. Ladies - Clip this coupon and make copies; pass it to guys until you find a study partner(s). Let’s eliminate the distraction of IISD so we can better focus on our study of law!


To: ______________________
From: ____________________

How about an IISD study group with me?
q YES! E-mail me and let’s set it up!
E-mail: ___________________________

q I would love to, thank you, BUT, I am either already in an IISD study group, OR, I have some other “issues” that prevent me from joining you right now (damnit).

Vol II, Issue IV, February 2008

College of Law Institutes Nanny Policy
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

Even though the population of the student body are older than 18 and probably don’t live at home anymore, they are in dire need of help. This is why administration has finally enacted the SABANNP, Students Are Babies and Need Nannies Policy.

“Such policies have been successful at other schools, mainly preschools, but we can’t see why it wouldn’t be a huge hit here at the law school,” ensured administration.

Sure we all have experiences with nannies. For those of who grew up in the 80s, you may remember the overbearing presence of the giant legs of Nanny from The Muppet Babies. Or some may recall the annoyingly hysterics of Fran Drescher. Then there’s the best nanny ever, Tony Danza’s Tony Micelli from Who’s The Boss. All these examples are great, but in no way are an accurate representation of what to expect. Do you really think TU has the funds to hire Tony Danza as a nanny?

The Poop was told that the Nanny Policy will help students with their everyday-to-day tasks outside of law school.

Students will be given a set bed time, so that there won’t be any grumpy grumpykins in the 8:30 am classes. And if some students sleep in, nannies will call them.

Nannies will also be sure to send out e-mails to the student body reminding them of good personal hygiene, like taking daily showers and how to properly brush their teeth.

There will be health reminders as well, pointing out the dangers of chewing tobacco, unprotected sex, binge drinking at Brookside Bar, and the related health problems associated with smoking.

The Nanny policy would also hiring a crossing guard for the cross walk to the main entrance of John Rogers Hall. This is to ensure the safety of law students and to stop the TU shuttles and speeding engineering students from ignoring individuals attempting to walk across to the parking lot.

Students expressed concerns regarding the policy. “I’m 22 years old,” said Jamie Lipps, 1L, “I don’t need someone calling me to wake me up before I go to class. I already have my Mom in Florida do that for me. She also sets up my study schedule and reviews my assignments.”

“Who the hell do they think they are to tell me I can’t smoke or have a nice fat dipsky while I sit in my advance torts class,” exclaimed 3L, Timothy Thomas. “And I’m as sure as hell not going to start having protected sex. Condoms take away all the feeling and therefore all the fun. It’s not like I can afford them anyways since the tuition increase.”

Other students seem to welcome the policy. “This is fantastic. Not only did I have the hots for Fran Drescher, but I consider myself quite lazy,” remarked 2L Samuel Supineness. “The less work I have to do. I hear that they’ll wipe my ass after I make……how’s that for scatological humor?
2L Suspended For Improper Method of Selling Books
By Son of Torts

2L Johnathan Applebaum was suspended for one week Monday after officials learned that the second year law student sold a Constitutional Law Supplement to a 1L for $15.

“If he wants to sell his old supplements he can do that,” said Assistant Dean of Cranky Student Affairs Amanda Johnson. “However we have a system for selling books at this school, and like the infinite notices about group meetings, it should be done through the e-mail system.”

“The schools IT department has spent countless hours to implement the school’s e-mail and internet services so that students would all get a chance to buy old books and supplements,” Johnson explained.

“What about that student sitting in his apartment? Doesn’t he deserve a chance to get a great deal on some old supplements and not just the student sitting in the Pit? That is who I am thinking of.”

In response to the unauthorized sale Johnson informed the Poop that a detailed email, in response to the unauthorized sale, on how to sell old books is currently being worked on and will be coming to your TU address within the week.

Missing Student Found, Surprisingly Not Raped
By Chad Posner

In February of 2007, Rebecca Sloven disappeared early on into her 4th semester of law school. Through keen investigative journalism skills that would make even Fletch blush, the Poop was able to track her down.


“First off, I want to say that I wasn’t kidnapped and/or raped”, explains Rebecca. “What happened was I was feeling down after finally receiving my Crim Pro grade and having an internal debate on whether I should stay in law school or not. To take my mind off of things I went to Starbucks to get my daily Grande Soy Caramel Macchiato”

“It was then that my regular barista commented on how they were hiring. I thought there is no way I could work there, I didn’t have the skills. But as soon as she started going into the employee benefits I was hooked and immediately filled out an application and turned in my resume along with a cover letter. The next day I showed up for work and I have been happy ever since.”

“At first I thought it was going to be a part time thing, you know the 15 hours allowed by the school. But it was just so fun that I stopped going to class.”

“Do I miss law school? Not really, although Thursdays at McNellie’s were always fun. At Starbucks I don’t have to deal with the Socratic Method or have to needlessly brief seemingly irrelevant cases. Plus like I said, the benefits are great. I’m making enough to afford a penthouse in downtown Tulsa, two dogs, a brand new Prius, a Nintendo Wii, and paying my boyfriends medical school loans. Within the next month I should have a management position where I get stock options. I also really really really really really enjoy the free pound of coffee employees receive every month.”

Editor’s note: TU College of Law has currently filed a suit against Rebecca, claiming damages for the loss of expected tuition for her last year of law school.


KiKi’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,
Valentines Day is quickly approaching. How do I get the girl (whom I’m majorly crushin’ on) that sits two rows in front of me to notice me? Also what are some romantic places to have a first date?
-Bashful Barrister-

Dear Sheepish Solicitor,
Well you could start leaving cutesy little love letters in her seat. Or you could like totally decorate her study carrel. But like the best solution is like to stop being such a pussy and next time you are at a bar together totally give her a drunken confession of your tubular love.

As for a romantic first date? I think an appetizer course at Coney Islander would totally be sweet and then onto Tei Kei’s for a romantic dinner, followed by a post dinner drink at Another Round.

After that a beer pong at Dirty’s followed by a trip to Jewell on Brookside where he could watch me dance with other guys.

Hopefully he’d take me to Arby's for a 5 for $5.95 before we went back to his place.
Kiki ^_^

Poop Pieces
· Congratulations to Michael Whelan for being the person to finally
· have the chutzpah to start a Democratic Law Society at this school
· If you see the newest Westlaw rep around campus, be sure to ask for the free 150 Westlaw points.
· Whoever made the sexually suggestive snowmen outside of the MLIC, please see the front desk to retrieve your carrots, scarf, and coal.


What the staff did over break?

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.-
Divorced…again

Son of torts- survived 4 days in the Alaskan wilderness

Chad Posner-went home to see family

Kiki Kapowksi-Partied like a rock star

Alain Benson-Started drinking alone

Dirk Stronghold-watched all the Star Wars films back to back

johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com
send submissions to:
hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com