Vol II, Issue V, March 2008

Phantom Chewer Still at Large
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

After two scathing e-mails the Phantom Chewer has yet to be caught. Someone or something refuses to stop leaving plugs of chewing tobacco neatly and carefully hidden on the chairs located in various rooms of John Rogers Hall.

Students who are worried about this phantom presence in the law school should take comfort in the recent hiring of Butch “Sundance Kid” Cassidy, P.I. Butch’s experience stems from his constant writing to the editors of Soldier of Fortune about his exploits and his degree in criminal justice he bought from Trinity Southern University. He also told The Poop that he learned his tracking skills by doing lots of peyote and losing money that’s supposed to pay for child support at the Osage Million Dollar Elm Casino.

“Most of my assignments involve me videotaping and watching adulterous affairs or tracking down lost husbands at China Moon,” says Butch, “so I was really shocked and quite excited to be hired by the University of Tulsa to track down this perp”

With several leads already being developed, Butch is fairly certain that the Phantom Chewer is probably responsible for other ‘crimes’ around the University.

Butch remarks, “There was the problem of the mystery Taoist, who desecrated the bathrooms. And then there was the delinquent that refused to post flyers on the designated billboards. Signs even point to him [the Phantom Chewer] being responsible for the missing donated cell phones last year.”

As always, students are polarized on the issue. Some feel that hiring Butch is a waste of University resources.

“I think it would be a lot more efficient if Virginia just sent out more e-mails degrading the disgusting habits of the student body,” remarks 2L, Julie Cicada.

1L, Aaron Summerset had this to say, “It’s about time someone took action. And I’m glad the school finally put some effort into stopping this menace.” Prime suspect and double dipper title champion, Travis “Super” Powers, was provided an opportunity to voice his concerns regarding the matter.

“First off, they aren’t real plugs of tobacco. From what I’ve seen, the guy’s leaving around ‘bandit bags’…which are for vaginas. Seriously, those things were invented so trailer-park women could join their husbands in one of their favorite past times.”

“Secondly, Yes! I do enjoy a good dipsky every hour or two. But I also wasn’t raised in a fucking barn and can walk the ten feet to a trash can to dispose of my wad of dip and the used coke bottle I use to store my spittle. Common courtesy goes a long way.”

“So now that everything is cleared up. Please stop confronting me in the halls and accusing me of being the douche bag who is either guilty about his habit or just too lazy to clean up after himself.”

Kiki’s Kolumn

Dear Kiki,

I didn’t know who to turn to, but I recently overheard some fellow law students talking about asbestos located within John Rogers Hall. Is this true? If so is it dangerous?
-Perturbed Pupil-

Dear Protruding Pupae,

While I totally cannot like confirm or deny the claims of our peers, I did do some totally awesome internet research after I got done shopping on Zappos.com. After all, Spring is almost here and I need some new sandals.

Anyways here is like what I found; supposed symptoms and warning signs of asbestos poisoning.

You should probably see a doctor if you’ve been exposed to asbestos and have:
Shortness of breath
Chronic/Persistent Cough
Chest pains
Persistent 2.5 GPA
Difficulty reading for class
Swelling
Weight loss
Nausea
Obstructed Bowels
Anemia
Fever and/or night sweats

Hope this eases your paranoid mind.
Kiki ^_^


New Tort Investigated
By Ima T. Messce

You know about the tort of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, but what about Intentional Infliction of Sexual Distress (from the Latin Kokus Teasius). It is almost exclusively committed by females against males simply as a result of our societal norms.

The prima facie elements to establish this tort are:
1. Intent to cause severe sexual distress
2. Conduct must be extreme and outrageous, beyond all bounds of human decency
3. There must be a causal connection between the wrongful conduct and the sexual distress
4. The sexual distress must be severe

Applying the law to the facts of life as a 1L, we see that female 1Ls clearly provoke the sexual distress by their look, manner of dress, heavenly scent, perfect makeup, and generally flirtatious demeanor, thus establishing the first two elements. The causal connection between this behavior and the male sexual distress is made clear by increased incidences of male 1Ls lost in sexual fantasies involving 2 or more female classmates when called on, text messaging females during class trying to maybe “get some” later, drooling on laptop keyboards, staring at female 1L photos in FaceBook, and joining study groups and organizations based on the relative “hotness” of the girls rather than intellectual or professional compatibility. The severity of the stress and frustration is also evident by various physical manifestations and male efforts to avert same. More importantly ladies, in inflicting this IISD on males and not helping them past it, it has the same negative effect on YOU!

WAKE UP PEOPLE! We’re mature, consenting adult law students! It IS however, incumbent upon the ladies as the tortfeasors to eliminate this problem. Ladies - Clip this coupon and make copies; pass it to guys until you find a study partner(s). Let’s eliminate the distraction of IISD so we can better focus on our study of law!


To: ______________________
From: ____________________

How about an IISD study group with me?
q YES! E-mail me and let’s set it up!
E-mail: ___________________________

q I would love to, thank you, BUT, I am either already in an IISD study group, OR, I have some other “issues” that prevent me from joining you right now (damnit).