Hello...is this thing on? They told me I have to type something here

Salutations! It's me, former practicing attorney Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq. Just wanted everyone to know that the Poop is now online. This way when prints of the John Rogers Poop are all taken by your fellow classmates or they suddenly disappear (say in a waste basket or underneath 4 month old copies of Dicta) you can read all the poop that went down in the latest issue, here, online...or so they tell me. This internet thing is new to me. I preferred the good old days of dictaphones, typewriters, and mimeographs.

If you would take a minute from pointing your nose up in the air as a sign of superiority you will see that the articles from John Rogers Poop, Vol. I, Issue I, April 2007 are posted below.

Here is a brief letter from the editor:

Dear Readers:

Here's a little about us;

We attend a small, private, exceptionally expensive, fourth-tier law school.
We have no delusions of grandeur.
We roam the same halls that you do.
We attend the same classes, read the same cases, take the same exams, and search in vain each morning for a parking spot (screw you United Way contributor!) just like you.
We get bored.
We like to make smart-alecky jokes about professors, members of the administration and staff.
We mean no disrespect. Unless of course disrespect gets more laughs.
We steal some of our ideas from funnier, more original people.
We think nobody reads Dicta
We think that sometimes, law students, law professors, and law school administration take themselves too seriously.
We think that the TU College of Law is a lot like a small town high school.
We think that justifies making fun of it.
We love it here though.
We wouldn't want to be anywhere else-unless of course that transfer request to that first-tier school goes through.
We think you should consider it an honor if your name appears in a future edition.
We hope you laugh at all this, and take it with a grain of salt.
We think satire is an important part of free speech.

So there you have it. A letter from the editor. We want to know what you think so please email us at johnrogerspoop@gmail.com

You can also email me at hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com but not after the sun sets. I'm usually asleep by then, unless my neighbor's unruly kids are listening to that dang rock and roll again. I am up fairly early though so that I get the Braums senior citizen breakfast special.

Forever held in contempt,

Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.

First Draft of Paper Inadventently Becomes Final Draft

By Sashey McGilicuty

MLIC - The first draft of a Legal Reasoning, Analysis, and Writing Trail Brief by University of Tulsa College of Law 1L Mindy Blain ultimately became the final draft, Blain reported Monday.

"I was gonna keep working on it and add a bunch of stuff about how the guy who wrote [The US Constitution] was affected by a lot of the stuff going around him," she said. "But then I was like, fuck it." Blain said she spent the time that would have been devoted to a revision watching Grey's Anatomy in her apartment.

Poop Pieces
By: Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq

• In an unpopular resolution, the SBA has declared that sodas will now cost $1.11. The change machine will now exclusively provide nickels.

• Dean Robert Butkin announced Monday that the locally donated statue of Lady Justice will be replaced with a paper-maché bust of beloved Legal Research Professor Ducey reading the latest ALR advance sheets.

• Due to the little known asbestos problem in John Rogers Hall, Dean Butkin has cleared it with the City of Tulsa to hold all upper division electives inside the historic Camelot Hotel.
  

• TU Information Technology Officer, Shane Blackstock, has refused to work on any computers - expect those running Windows ’98 - until he is granted title of "Official Library Staff Member" and receives an office within the MLIC.

• For students interested in an increased understanding of Tort law, Professor Marguerite Chapman will hold a lecture Tuesday. She plans to speak on the subjects of Amazon.com, the history of Connect Four, Endometriosis, Tesla coils, and snowmobiles. The lecture is scheduled from 1:00 to 1:03 pm in room 202.
  

1L Wonders What Happend to Free Lunch

By The Son of Torts

JRH-He had it down to an art form. It was 11:59 a.m. and 1L Jim Dickerson's stomach was just about to tell him that it was time to eat. No money and no money left on the TU Gold Card was no problem for Dickerson who had planned this day (Tuesday)all around the fact that there was a Federation of Future Right-Wing lawyers meeting in room 204

"Score me up some pizza," Dickerson said to himself as he trolled around the steps outside of room 2004.

"Oh, I'm not a member or anything," Dickerson said while looking around the corner to find out if he was getting Mazzio's or Papa Johns for lunch. "I've got nothing against those Republican. I mean not everyone can go out and have fun. Someone's got to run the churches and prisons. This law thing's just a phase for me. I'm going to make my mark in finding a new energy source from egg plants."

Ten minutes later, Dickerson explained that he doesn't actually go to the meetings; he just waits outside for some free pizza.

"There's typically a few cheese pizzas left over. No one likes those," Dickerson commented

Dickerson waited and waited. But something went wrong.

"There was no friggin' pizza. I mean, I wait out there till 1:30 and totally missed my Con Law Class. I'm not sure how they got that pizza out of there, I had the door staked, totally."

Dickerson said he has put off all studying finals to get to the bottom of the pizza fiasco.

"I will not rest until I find out what happened to those pizzas," Dickerson said. "I mean if they have some secret way of getting pizza out of those rooms, we may never eat free again"

Professor's Leave Of Absence Shrouded In Legend

By Richard Posner’s Evil Twin Brother Chad

JRH – Students at The University of Tulsa College of Law have been feverishly speculating about the true circumstances surrounding Contracts, Sales, and Secured Transactions Professor Gregory Duhl’s unannounced second-semester leave of absence — now over four months — raising the mysterious disappearance well into the status of legend among the student body at large.

“I heard he was a pot addict, and he went mental, and they took him away to a mental institution,” said John Heyduck, 1L, a student of Duhl’s, adding that he remembered noticing a growing impatience in Professor Duhl in the weeks before Christmas break. “Someone told me that the first night he was there, they shocked his brain. Now he can’t remember anything about the Uniform Commercial Code anymore.”

Many in the semi-popular professor’s section 3 Contracts class say they remain suspicious of Dean Robert Butkin’s relative silence on the matter, and were unsatisfied by Dean Catherine Cullem’s ambiguously worded letter explaining that Professor Duhl was out on “personal matters,” and would “return soon.”

“Professor Duhl is dead,” said Joel Brown, 2L.

A number of other students, such as 3L Julie Krivus, seemed certain that the “Get Well Soon” card that was passed around for their Professor on Monday was meant to cover up a horrific boating accident in which the 36-year-old had his face “burned all the way off.” “They had to take him to France to get a new face, but something went wrong and now he has to wear an iron mask,” Krivus said.

“Or maybe Professor Duhl faked his death because he was in trouble with the mob, and then went on a spiritual quest to India,” she added.

Other students’ theories as to Professor Duhl’s whereabouts include training for the 2008 Olympics in the 100-meter butterfly, robbing banks, fighting in and winning a Kumite death-match in Hong Kong, opening a restaurant in Texas, flying a hot-air balloon around the world to help poor people, searching for his real parents, having acid thrown on him by Torts professor Marguerite Chapman, being captured by the CIA as a terrorist operative, and working for the CIA to help catch terrorist operatives.

“He had an affair with that LLM slut Heather Winston, and the janitor caught him,” 3L Lauren Eckhard said. “But then she got pregnant with his baby, and that’s why she had to move away last semester.”

One student, who asked not to be named, said that he recently listened in on a conversation through the faculty lounge door in which faculty members spoke specifically about Professor Duhl’s location. Though the student claimed specifics were difficult to make out, he heard nothing to dispel the theory that Professor Duhl was in fact a matador recovering from wounds he sustained in his last bullfight in Madrid.

“Remember how he had that limp right before break?” the student said.

1L Vince Shelky, who was recently given an Honor Code Violation reprimand for attempting to break into Professor Duhl’s office said he was sure there would be “tons of clues” regarding Professor Duhl’s disappearance in his extensive lesson plans and personal papers.

“Why would the office door be locked in the first place if there wasn’t something really important in there?” Shelky said. “But the point is, basically, he was living a double life. Law professor by day, alien by night.”

Despite the growing clamor and the widening scope of possible scenarios to explain Professor Duhl’s absence, not everyone is convinced that the teacher ever actually went missing to begin with.

“I saw Professor Duhl coming out of McDonald’s yesterday,” said 2L Harry Dale, whose testimony was dismissed by a number of students aware of his reputation as a burnout. “I didn’t recognize him at first — he was wearing a trench coat and a hat, but I could tell it was him. When I tried to get a closer look, he disappeared.”

Curiosity was further piqued last Friday when Professor Duhl’s wife, Michelle, appeared at the school to pick up her husband’s mail, and told the receptionist that he would be returning within a week.

“I wouldn’t listen to his wife,” Amanda Bell, 1L, said. “She’s the one who poisoned him anyway.”