Upperclassmen Unimpressed With 1L Class
By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq.
JRH – The newest semester of school has started and the University of Tulsa-College of Law welcomed the most academically impressive class ever. However, grades are not everything in law school and the upper classmen want to stress that.
“All I’m looking for,” says 3L Ari Steinenberg, “is a Sweet Sheila. You know, a nice Jewish girl that I can bring home to impress my overbearing Jewish mother. Guess that won’t be happening since the majority of 1L girls that I have seen have blonde hair and blue eyes. Looks like it’s back to jdate.com for me.”
The problem doesn’t seem to be a one gender issue either. 2L Jenna Marshall explains, “I don’t have jungle or yellow fever…nothing like that. I just want more diversity in this school and a boy to go clubbing at Ministry with.”
3L Kylie Rhodes expresses similar disinterest. “I came to school to get my MRS degree. Unfortunately, I have had no luck. Last year’s class was full of poor old men, cocky frat boys, and skinny kids who think it’s cool not to shave and don’t even get me started on the class before that. I’m going to have to go on to get my LL.M. or something to find Mr. Right. A girl can’t live off of daddy forever”
“It’s like they [1Ls] think they are too cool for us,” Remarks 3½L Shane Blakes, “I tried talking some of the girls up at the SBA event a few weeks ago. I’d get them beer, buy them snow cones, which for some reason weren’t free, and I even got my face painted, but none of them wanted to do the Cha Cha Slide with me. All I can say is that if they want outlines they aren’t getting any from me!”
It seems pretty bad when even fellow 1Ls are complaining about their classmates. The Poop tracked down, Eric “Gramps” Palmer, the oldest member of the entering class and listened to his problems. “I’m 47 and recently thrice divorced,” he says, “I thought that this generation of young ladies liked the older men. I’ve been having as much luck as that one hyper and annoying guy I met at orientation. I’ve even scoured the library hours upon hours to find a babe, still no luck. Hopefully I will do well enough this year to transfer. I hear from a reliable source that the Appalachian School of Law is the place to go.”
Administration said that they are aware of the problems with diversity and lack of decent ladies; however, they pointed out that there is nothing they can do at the moment because they can’t just kick people out and let others in. Administration feels strongly that the 1L class will weed itself thin and by next year the transfers who did poorly at other schools and the next batch of 1Ls will meet upper classmen expectations.
Administration is also investigating whether a sort of preference card which the upper classmen could fill out would help solve some of the problems. Research from other law schools seem to be positive, with 87% of the upperclassmen being satisfied with their schools selection of attractive, non-superficial, and clean smelling incoming students.
Former Student Bar Association President and life-time 3L Gil Pilkington had the following to say, “I’ve been here so long that all the entering classes have seemed unimpressive to me. Perhaps people should stop complaining. It’s not like you can live and go to school forever. There’s a whole other world out there to meet people. Or you can just wait until the Halloween party and find a drunken hook-up there.”
Fleeing 1L Trapped in Parking Lot, Officials say all is Well
By the Son Of Torts
Associate assistant to the second interim dean for the week, Big Dawg Bounty Hunter Lewis is still recounting Monday’s close call where one straggling 1L almost flew the coup.
“It was a close one. Probably my toughest chase in my ten years of manning this school,” Lewis said Tuesday while seated in the bushes, keeping an eye on the parking lot.
University reports say that 1L Jeremy Washout left Johnny Parker’s Torts class Monday. Students in the class said he didn’t come back after the break.
“I thought he just fell asleep in the bathroom. I mean that class starts at 9!” said one 1L who did not want to give their name.
Actually, Washout attempted to bolt after his first few weeks in law school. Bounty Hunter Lewis said he was doing his routine patrol of the grounds when he saw Washout running frantically through the parking lot, headed for his car.
“I knew something was up right away,” Lewis said. “He had that scared look on his face. I knew he was a 1L and that I had me a runner.”
Utilizing trapping and capturing techniques he learned in the army, Lewis immediately incapacitated Washout with a stun gun and then tied up his legs and arms. Washout was seen later that day drooling in his Contracts class.
“We have to keep a close eye on these 1Ls,” Lewis said. “At least until the tuition is no longer refundable.”
1Ls Let Loose
By
Classroom 201 had to be cleared out early after a civil procedure class of 1Ls suffered from mass incontinence.
Sources say that the debacle started when Jill Gill responded to the professor’s question about statute of limitations with the infamous answer of “I don’t know”
This resulted in the professor yelling and screaming that the whole class has problems retaining information and subsequently they had a problem retaining their bowels.
“It was like a wave of nastiness,” says 1L Benny Lava. “It started near the front and just worked its way back to the people not paying attention in the back row”.
Official John Rogers Hall Janitor, Brad Hamilton had this to say, “It sure was a mess to clean up. A stinky, stinky mess. But it was nothing a bit of turpentine and my trusty old mop couldn’t take care of. Now, you wanna talk about a mess, you should have seen the place when David Hall [former Oklahoma Governor] went here. The guy pretty much organized a prison riot.”
After checking with the administration office, it seems that Ms. Gill withdrew from the university and was placed on deferment status. Her friends say it has nothing to do with the incontinence incident, but that she really just wants to open up a bar across the street from the football stadium after Ballers [formerly known as Hardwoods] goes out of business…again.
Poop Pieces
· Introduction to Legal Research instructors remain optimistic that this is the year that the incoming class will actually bother reading The Process of Legal Research
· Administration would like to remind all 1Ls to purchase an elevator pass. The fines for being caught using any elevator in John Rogers Hall without the pass have gone up exorbitantly to help pay for the newly constructed campus apartments
· The door to the male bathroom next to the south faculty hall will remain open at all times so that classroom 202 will have something to look at during boring Federal Taxation classes
· Library staff want to make it perfectly clear to that no matter what the 1Ls may have heard, that there is not, nor will there ever be a swimming pool on the bottom level of the MLIC
· The law school received a memo from campus security explaining that selling breakfast burritos around John Rogers Hall is not an appropriate way for 1Ls to supplement their income.
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