Vol. III, Issue I, September 2008

TU Law Diversity Problems Solved by 1L

By Alain Benson

As an upper middle class white male I can fully appreciate the effects of gentrification. I get to live in an exciting urban setting while enjoying my gourmet coffee without the risk of being harassed by minorities. But gentrification, like everything, is good in moderation.

If you haven’t already noticed, TU Law is lacking in the diversity department, what with our 1 black guy, 2 Asians, and a sprinkle of Jew. I don’t want to bring up any Gratz v. Bollinger or Grutter v. Bollinger discussions [Thanks Prof. Entzeroth!], but what I’m really trying to say is that I’m sick and tired of looking at all of your WASPy faces!

Luckily for us The College of Law fully recognizes and appreciates the problem and enrolled 1L, Tatsuya Steinenbaum, to quiet all concerns of TU being 98% cracker. I had the fortunate opportunity to sit down with Tatsuya to discuss his influential role as a member of the student body.

AB: So Tatsuyo, tell us why Admissions considered you such a qualified candidate.

TS: Well, besides double majoring in African-American and Women Studies, I think it’s more of my unique history that I was selected to practically fill all possible diversity gaps within the school’s population.

AB: Unique? How So?

TS: I’m Jewish Japanese-American. My father went to Japan in the early 70s to secure some new business opportunities and came down with a serious case of yellow fever. He met my mom, an aspiring business women who wanted to bring underwear vending machines to the global market. It was love at first sight. 2 months after they were married I was born.

I raised in west Philadelphia, where I spent most of my time at the school’s playground.

One day I was playing some basketball, when these neighborhood kids started making some trouble.

AB: Sounds like they were up to no good.

TS: Probably not. Anyways, I ended up getting into one little fight; this scared my mom a bit, she being the typical overbearing Asian Jewish mother, and sent me to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Bel-Air.

AB: That sounds awfully familiar for some reason.

TS: All minorities suffer similar life catastrophes. So here I was living outside of Compton and I decided to try and start a hip-hop career with the stage name of Chop Jewy. It never really worked out but I did develop a love for African-American culture, hence my undergraduate major from ULA…go Peacocks!

AB: Is there anything else about you that will help the diversity crisis?

TS: Well…I am bi-sexual. We could go someplace and celebrate some diversity if you want to.

AB: You digust me

TS: You can pitch and I’ll catch.

AB: My place or yours?

Staff

Harry S. Wrinkletushy, Esq – Editor in Chief

Alain Benson-Staff reporter

Chad Posner-Article Editor

Son of torts-Investigative Reporter

Dirk Stronghold-Headlines

Nino Brown-Bitch canceller

An Open Letter to Student Organizations

By Son of Torts

Dear Student Organizations,

At the time I’m writing this, it’s been of month of school. I think everyone is doing a wonderful job trying to acquire memberships and raise awareness for whatever causes you support.

But there is a problem. I’m already sick of Mazzio’s Pizza. It’s soggy, greasy, and always cold. Plus it never really hits the spot. I just kind of eat it because it’s there and I don’t have the money to buy lunch from the ACAC everyday.

I calculated meals provided by student organizations in my budget so I could request a proper amount for this semester's student loans.

I want to request a modest proposal, get some variety in your food and while I won’t actually join your group, I will promise to pay attention during the meetings.

Also what’s with not providing us with drinks? Great pizza! It’s salty. How about some soda or some beer to help wash it down? With soda prices up another 15 cents, I can no longer afford those either.

I’m not looking for handouts, just some support and understanding that my life and your food choices need a little variety.

And if you ever order those wraps from the school again, I swear I will track you down and drop kick you in the face.

Sincerely,

Son of Torts

P.S. I do like Papa Johns and Arby’s would be nice once in a while

A Harry Situation

By Harry S. Wrinkeltushy, Esq

I’ll skip all the false cheerful greetings because I simply don’t have the energy.

I realized how old I was this summer when I just no longer took the effort to complain about how cold movie theatres are or to make rude comments to parents who think it’s appropriate to bring their crying children into my favorite restaurant.

I don’t think I’m dying, but I do think I’m ready to go into old reclusive hermit mode, maybe start collecting old newspapers and decorating my trees with random glass ornaments.

Along with me not having the energy to yell at kids on my lawn, some of our staff writers are exhausted by an increasing course load or preoccupied with actually being responsible students.

Shit! Dirk decided to get a job and Alain just found love. So I no longer expect any gret contributions from them.

So, I turn to you adamant readers (and fans) of the John Rogers’ Poop, send me some goddamn submissions and help keep the dream alive.

Here’s my e-mail address:

hwrinkelsesq@gmail.com

We’re also accepting applications for new staff members and the right individuals to carry the torch once we are gone.

Poop Pieces

· Some of you may have noticed that Ms. Kapowski is no longer with us. After a successful first year she managed to transfer to a 1^st tier law school. We wish her the best and hope she again successfully manages to sleep her way to the tope.

· With the absurd increase in soda price, our plans to have a take a dime leave a dime cup have been nixed. I’m sure that our new 1L delegates will take this issue seriously and will listen to our requests to again propose that soda prices should be lowered.

· Note to all 1Ls if you haven’t figured it out, this is a satirical piece of work. If you want to catch up check out previous articles at:
johnrogerspoop.blogspot.com

· The Phantom Chewer still remains at large. Administration is offering a reward for any information that will lead to his capture.

· Friday soccer is and remains cooler than Friday volleyball

· Remember Tuesday is Rosh Hashanah and if you’re Jewish you can skip classes with no ill repercussions